It didn't get better.
Maybe you remember this, Sam. It's the few months I'd constantly get sick, which was weird since I rarely ever got sick, I know. You'd stayed away at first, but maybe at some point you decided not to give a fuck about my request for more time and space because the next thing I knew when I was sleeping off my fever, you were sitting right beside my bed with a cold towel in your hand. I felt the softness of your hand, how blissfully cold it was, then fell into fitful sleep.
My nightmares wrecked me. I was awake more often than not and so when I couldn't even stand to go to school, I saw it in your face that you wanted to stay, but I reminded you of your absences and your extra classes until finally you left, but not before making sure I had everything I needed right beside the bed.
"Roo, maybe you should go see a doctor," you suggested on the third night of my fever.
I replied with a curt, "No."
"But you're not getting better. I've called Luce and she thinks so, too."
"No. I don't need doctors or hospitals." Because I hated it. I hated it even more because of the times I would sit in there waiting for you to be healthy enough to get out. I kept recalling the time when my mother lay motionless in the hospital bed and I felt sick.
Your sigh was exasperated, filled with frustration. "Roo, don't be difficult."
"I SAID NO!" I yelled, surprising you, surprising myself. "If you think of me as being difficult, then you can just fucking leave! Isn't that what you do anyway? Leaving when it gets hard?"
The moment the words came out, I laughed, because of how much I hated myself. I saw the shock on your face, before slowly the blank mask came down. You finally blocked me away and that should earn me a laugh, didn't it? I put my head into my hands and laughed until I sobbed, softly at first, but quickly it turned into a violent whacking sobs.
You didn't leave until later, when you thought I was asleep and I imagined that was it, that was probably going to be the last time I saw you, with the careful blank mask that I knew well because I wore it all the time.
I fell asleep thinking of forest fire and blood.
YOU ARE READING
Wearing My Smile | ✔
Teen Fiction"I wondered if you'd ever thought that the name your parents had given you felt like sharp knife twisting through your heart in its prayer. I'd never asked you that before, now I'd never get to." Having been together since forever, Roo struggles in...
