Wearing My Smile | ✔

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

Thirty-two days after your funeral.

That day was weird.

If you asked me, I'd say things were getting better at that point. It was still horrible when I remembered it was already more than a month since you'd died, so much I had to throw up in the school restroom, though not quite so often anymore because it was the perfect place to get jumped and getting jumped was getting old real fast.

Jay looked out for me when he noticed what was going on and it helped. It was odd, really, that we got to be friends at all, but I remembered when we were fifteen, a few weeks before the incident, you'd told me that I had a way to make people who were supposed to dislike me like me. He frowned at me sometimes before asking, “Are you really okay, Roo?”

I rinsed my mouth. “I'm good.” When you appeared as a shadow in the corner of the room, I'd just close my eyes and breathe and I'd be good.

“I know it's not my place,” he said when we went out of the restroom, “but how's the therapy going?”

I personally thought it was getting better. I was a work in progress. Most of the time, I talked about my ideas for the project with Dr. Quintana and she would give me advices and more ideas. She had asked me to meet some colleagues of hers next weekend, so it was getting better.

But the last session she asked me to talk more about you and what I was feeling, so I just smiled and asked her if I could be excused for the day.

“Yeah, it's going great,” I said finally.

He scoffed. “Sell that to someone who's buying.”

I raised my eyebrow at him.

“What? I've known Sam for years. The way you evade conversations is the same as his. I guess now I know where he got it.”

That stung a bit, but I chuckled to myself. “Man, when did I start surrounding myself with busy-bodies?”

Jay poked my chest the point of his finger. His eyes blazing. He spat, “Maybe it's not my business, but you make it mine when you offered to be friends with me so shut the fuck up. Stop thinking you're not worth it because you are, and do the fucking work!” Then, as quickly as he came, he stomped away from me.

I blinked. Again, I felt disoriented, because his gestures spoke loyalty and care and I absolutely had no idea what I'd done in the few weeks before to inspire such emotions.

Three guys passed me by, chuckling. One of them hollered loudly, “He chewed you out good, Roo!” While the other bumped my shoulder good-naturedly before leaving. I was struck speechless, motionless where I was standing. I didn't even know their names.

Penny came out from one corner, grinning. “Roo! I've been looking for you.” Then, she scowled. “Close your mouth before a fly flew in.”

“Penny, since when do people know me?” Because I'd thought I was invisible. I had many friends, but I was never that popular people I didn't know would recognize me at first glance. Thinking that it might have been due to your death made me feel sick to the stomach. I was about to head back to the restroom when I found Penny's baffled frown.

“Roo, people have always known you. And liked you.”

“But they're—friendly.”

“Because you're friendly to them!” She laughed incredulously, still peering at me, trying to read me.

“I am?”

“Did you hit your head too hard or something?”

“But Penny—”

“Okay, so maybe they were a bit intimidated before when Sam was around, but they know you're a cool guy.”

It was the most absurd moment of my life. “Cool guy?” What timeline was this?

Penny threw her hands up to the air like she had given up. “You're a hopeless case.”

Did you even know this, Sam? “Did Sam know this?”

“Of course, he did.” Her reply was much softer. “Why did you think he let you go on your own at school? He didn't want to make it difficult for you. He probably knew he was a hard person to be around with, but you weren't like that.”

I thought of your nonchalant comment about us being a pair of lone wolves, being in love with silence way too much. There was an ache in my chest but it was dull, like it had always been there and I had only acknowledged it just now. “Oh.”

Penny cleared her throat. “Enough about that. I was thinking about the seminar you wanted to make. I think it could work.”

I perked up at that. “You think?”

“Absolutely.” She smirked. “You just need the most popular person at school to charm the way to the principal and the students.”

I thought hard about it for a minute. “Okay. I guess I could. Who is this person I need to ask for help?”

She gave me a look. “Roo.”

“What? I don't understand.”

“It's me, dumbass! I'm the popular kid in this school!”

“Oh.” When did that happen?

She snorted at me. Somehow that made me smile. “Yeah. Oh.”

Okay, so I must have had my head too far up in my ass for years not to even notice that one of my closest friends was a popular kid. I thought maybe everyone around me was on point when they told me that I had been too focused on you, Sam.

I felt conflicted. Had you been around, I would have insisted somehow that I hadn't been neglecting other aspects of my life. But you weren't around anymore, and little by little I saw the things I hadn't before. Most of the time it felt like someone was striking me with a club.

“Sorry, Penny. You know I love you.” She rolled her eyes. “What's the plan then?”

When she smirked, it was full of mischief. It reminded me of the Penny who used to give you shit when we had been younger. With her hands on her hips, chin jutting out in confidence, she told me, “Charming our way first, of course.”

I hadn't even been the principal, but, honestly Sam, I would have given her anything she wanted.