Black & White [COMPLETED]

Chapter 17: Junsu's Mother

[So Young]

For the days that followed, Junsu visited me every night to see how I was doing. Thanks to him I started eating properly again. He kept urging me to take care of myself. Of course, this was something Dad told me over and over again as well, but maybe it was because I was so in love that hearing the same words from Junsu had a bigger impact on me.

During these days, Dad and I started packing and getting ready to move to Busan. Two days before the move, Junsu took me out to watch a movie. We chose a random movie to watch together. Honestly, neither of us could care less about the movie. We were both terribly distracted while the movie was playing. I agreed to go out with him so that I could keep my mind off of leaving Seoul, but we were both doing the exact opposite.

During the movie, Junsu asked me if I was sure I was leaving.

"I don't have a choice," I whispered, sighing.

"You always have a choice."

"I mean, I've lived in Busan almost my entire life. It's not like I hate it there or anything. In fact, before the whole robbery thing I was leading a peaceful and happy life." I didn't think I was insulting Junsu with those words. It was the truth anyway. "But the whole reason why we left Busan was to escape reality, to forget Mom had died that day. I know that we probably won't be going back to the same house, but it would still be kind of weird." I shrugged. "I guess I would have to get used to it."

Junsu listened to me but he didn't say anything else. The movie ended and I couldn't remember a single thing that happened in the plotline. Junsu and I walked out of the theater. Today he was wearing a white hoodie. I was used to seeing him in the black one that this one really caught my attention.

Before I got to compliment him on it, he asked me something that made my mood drop even more.

"Do you still think about your mother?"

"Of course," I replied, shocked that he would think otherwise, "How can I not? Her death wasn't exactly... expected. I miss her so much."

"I know, but..." He didn't finish his sentence.

Junsu has never mentioned his mother before. Was she alive? Would it be okay to ask? And was he living with her?

"I don't have a mother, so it's just weird to me," he said after a moment of silence.

I frowned at him. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that..."

He seemed surprised at what I said. "Sorry? What for?"

"Oh, well..." This was awkward. "I... assumed she was dead...?"

"She's alive," Junsu stated simply, "She's perfectly fine." He looked over at me. His expression was devoid of any emotion whatsoever. "She left Dad and I right after giving birth to me. I never met her. I don't have any pictures or memories of her. She didn't bother contacting me. She's dead to me."

I was speechless. It was the first time Junsu shared something about his personal life with me, and it was this sad. Junsu treated the woman who gave birth to him like she was dead to him. No wonder he had trouble understanding my situation.

"Would you... ever want to contact her?" I asked him. We had just arrived at the bus stop.

"No," he said simply, "It's been 17 years. Why should I be the one seeking her out?"

"Even if you don't want to form a relationship with her, it would be good to have closure," I told him, "But... maybe if you got to know her..."

"Not interested." And that was the end of that topic.

When it came to mothers, Junsu and I couldn't relate at all. My mother was always there for me. She was kind, loving, super sweet, and honestly if I did have friends she probably wouldn't mind me staying out till late at night with them. She trusted me. Her relationship with Dad was great. They did argue sometimes, but it would never last until the next day.

But Junsu didn't have a mother who was there for him. He grew up with his dad who either turned to a life of crime before or after his mother left him. The love of a mother couldn't be replaced by something so sinister. It gave me a heavy feeling in my chest that I couldn't get rid of for a long time.

That night when Junsu brought me back to my room, I broke down crying as soon as he left. Memories of my mother flooded my brain. I missed her so much. Mom was such a crucial part of my life. Losing her felt like something got ripped from my heart.

I knew that Junsu had nothing to do with her death, but it was still weird talking to him about her. It felt almost therapeutic. When we were in the bus on our way to my apartment, I told him about the breakdowns I would have thinking about Mom's death. I told him how hard it has been dealing with her death because it felt like someone had thrown me into a huge hole that I couldn't get out of. But somehow, because of the things that kept happening after my move to Seoul, it helped keep my mind off Mom. But now that we brought the topic back up, the pain came back. But fortunately, after I was able to calm myself down again I felt so much better. Was this the closure I just told Junsu about?

Dad and I never talked it out. He kept his sadness to himself, and he never asked me how I was coping with it. And I couldn't blame him for it. He was dealing with it in his own way. Junsu was the first person I talked to about my mother.

On the following morning I prepared breakfast for Dad and I. I tried making an American breakfast for him, complete with scrambled eggs, fluffy pancakes and sausages. When everything was set up, I went over to Dad's room to wake him up. He groaned when I called his name.

"Five more minutes," he mumbled.

"So you don't want breakfast?" I teased.

Dad woke up immediately. He threw his bedsheets aside and sat up straight. "Did someone say... breakfast?"

"Yup," I told him, "Hurry up, it's going to get cold!"

He rushed out of his bedroom to head to the kitchen. I giggled. Dad and I both loved food so much. Even when Mom was alive, the only thing that could get him off of bed was hearing that the food was ready. That part of him never changed.

We sat down to start eating. Then I remembered I didn't prepare tea yet. I got back up to fill the kettle and to put it on the stove.

"You seem happier today," Dad noted.

I sat across from him at the kitchen table. "I am," I said.

He smiled warmly. "That's great!"

"Honestly, I was thinking a lot about Mom yesterday," I admitted to him, poking into the sausage, "I miss her."

Dad sighed. "Me too."

"But you know, Dad? Despite what happened, I feel blessed to have had her as my mother." I gulped, feeling the tears well up all over again. "I had the best mom I could ever ask for. And dad, of course. But I have this friend who doesn't know his mother at all."

"Junsu?" he inquired, taking another bite from his breakfast.

"Oh yeah, you know him now. Yeah." I paused to take a bite as well. I forgot that they met after the incident with Mr. Kim. "He says that his mother left him right after giving birth to him. Isn't that sad?"

"Hmm..." he nodded, "Some people only care about themselves, So Young. Whatever her reason was for leaving her husband, leaving her child was a terrible thing to do."

"Mom wouldn't have ever done that," I said.

Dad agreed.

After we finished our breakfast, Dad told me he had to go to his workplace one last time to pick up a few documents. He said he would be back home in an hour so that we could finish packing our stuff together. He gave me a kiss on my forehead, like he always did, and left. However, hours and hours went by. Soon enough it was already nightfall, and Dad still hadn't returned home. I sent him over 20 texts asking him where he was and if everything was alright. But I never got a reply. I called him so many times, but it would go straight to voicemail each and every time. This wasn't like him at all. Ever since Mom passed away, Dad wanted to make sure his phone was always available for me because he didn't want me to worry about him. But now I couldn't reach him no matter what I did. What was going on?