The Chaos In My Mind

Dear Parents

They haven't realized it yet,
The smile that I put on was unreal.
They haven't realized it yet,
That I was keeping something, I myself couldn't reveal.

Then there's that parental pressure,
Forcing me to be something I don't want to be.
Thinking it was going to make them proud,
I become a monster I wasn't meant to be.

I kept telling myself, "Don't cry, chin up. Stay strong. "
But the real question to that was, "For how long?"

My ears would be filled with hurtful names.
They called me things, I almost went insane.
"Stupid!  Useless! Immature!"
They would tell me I didn't have a bright future.

Broken and shattered, I was.
I stopped thinking positively and felt powerless.

I tried and I tried and I tried to be happy.
There was a time I wanted to jump, I wanted to kill me.
I stopped caring for a while.
In the end,  I found my own happiness.
Although he lived far away but he still made my heart smile,
Making my heart race more than a hundred miles.

Even though they have gone too far,
I became alive when I found my shooting star,
I never meant to hurt them,
My education being such a disappointment.

Truly, for that and everything, I am so sorry.
For 7 years, we suffered together, sadly.

I love you with every cell in my body,
As your child, I'll try my best to make you proud, clearly.
I will never give up.
As painful as it is hearing your judging words,
Soon, I'll feel powerful enough to make all my worst fears conquered.

                       ~ 28.08.2019 ~

Backstory of this poem:

I was and still am living in a very toxic household where you are expected to be the best of the very best and you are expected to succeed and have straight As.

I was and still am verbally abused every day of my life and even though I've grown immune to it, it still hurts hearing your loved ones calling you names until you start to believe it yourself.

I was a little girl and I was really happy for a while but it had always been temporary and I knew that. I lived up to other people's expectations and I never felt happy about what I did.

I was depressed and I had no one to turn to because I cause a lot of problems in school and no one was friends with me. I was a problematic child because of what was happening in the house.

But I've become a strong person and I survived ...many many times.

To anyone who is going through this, i love you and one day, you'll never regret staying alive. you'll one day be happy. don't give up baby. 💕 you got this ✨ i got this. we all do. we all deserve a second chance. 💕