host family II ; jack gilinsky

sixteen

jacks pov

one year ago

"fuck!" i yell as i knock all of the things off my desk. i want her. no, i need her. she is the only good thing in my life. she is the only thing that makes me sane.

fuck what i thought about me being bad for her, i can protect her. i have to get her back.

its a few days after luna and johnsons unexpected arrival and im pacing back and forth in my room trying to decide what i should say to luna. fuck im such an idiot. i was gone so long she moved on and fell in love with danny. i knew he always had heart eyes for her. 

i don't even know where to begin or what to say to make her believe i did this for her. i was only trying to protect her and make sure nothing happened to her. they knew where she lived and the only thing i could do was go off the grid for a while. at least until i had the situation taken care of. even if it did take longer than planned. 

i hear luna coming out of the bathroom so i take that as my opportunity to sneak in a conversation. i bolt out of my room and around the corner to see luna with a towel around her body. my knees go weak as i forget what i came here for.

no jack, stay focused. "luna." i catch her attention as she looks up from securing the towel. "can we talk please?"

"really jack. right now?" she says as she walks away. "im a little busy right now." yeah, busy making me want to blow my brains out because i can't touch the naked body thats right in front of me. 

"i know but i really need to get this off my chest luna. ive been walking on eggshells around you the past couple of days and i feel like ive finally got my thoughts in order." i say frantically as i follow her to her room. we both enter and i shut the door behind me.

"thats great. im glad you sorted things out with yourself but i have nothing to say to you. and i really don't want to sit here and listen to the lies you've come up with." she says, completely uninterested in hearing what i have to say. i look for any indication on her face that says she doesn't really mean that, but theres nothing. this is real. she is really done with me this time. 

by now she has dropped the towel and its pooling around her ankles. my throat runs dry and i catch myself staring in infatuation. 

"please baby, im not lying about anything." im trying to keep my composure as i watch her get dressed. she's doing this on purpose. she knows i wouldn't be able to resist myself and this would distract me from what i really came here for. 

"no jack. you don't get to call me baby. you don't get to come in here and assume im going to fall at your feet and listen to you. you don't get to throw a fake half assed apology at me to make me forget that you broke my heart, and left me to pick up the pieces." by now she's completely facing me and i can see tears surfacing in her eyes. 

"i understand you did what you had to do. and im sure some part of you thinks what you did was best. but i have to do whats best for me now. and that doesn't involve us being together." she says as tears finally start to pour out of her eyes. "sometimes the pieces are just too broken to put back together. i think its time for us to move on jack. we're only fooling ourselves if we think we can fix our mistakes."

i was completely unprepared for her sudden outburst. i thought i was going to be the one doing all of the talking. but now i can see everything i was going to say won't make up for everything i put her through. 

"just please go jack. i have nothing left to say." she doesn't even look at me as i watch her start packing her bags. without another word i exit the room and head towards mine. 

present day

i feel the familiar sting down my throat as i throw back the liquor. again. i can't remember what number shot this is. or bottle. they've all become a blur and i don't even think i care to remember. 

i don't want to remember any of it. i was doing fine really. after she left i devoted myself to becoming better. better for her. so that when i was able to face her again she could see that i was really trying this time. 

but it wasn't long before news broke that my honey already had a honey, and they were making it official. fuck. another shot down, only for me to realize the bottle is now empty. 

"johnson! sammy! nate! fuck. is there anyone in this house thats actually useful." i shout as i stumble off the couch. i wish i knew how long ive been here. or what day it is. i don't know when things got so out of control, i used to have everything in the palm of my hands. 

i hear tumbling down the stairs and in comes one of sammy's flavor of the week. rebecca? i think, and honestly don't really care. i let out a groan as i see her roll her eyes at me.

"jack." she says mockingly as she grabs a glass from the cupboard. "why so down babe? run out of your daily bottle of bacardi." she snorts.

"ha ha, very funny." i make out as i rummage around for another bottle. "ive gotta admit, i didn't take you for a clear liquor kind of guy." i attempt to watch her but can't really make it out since im seeing three of her.

i really need to get a grip on life. "look jack. you're an undeniably attractive young man. any woman would be lucky to have you drooling over them. so you need to pick yourself back up and man the fuck up. stop being a whiny bitch and take control of your life again. its not going to get any realer than this." 

with that being said she puts the cup in the sink and heads back upstairs to do ungodly things to sammy. she's right. i need to stop acting like my life is over. but i can't. every time i take one step forward, i somehow manage to take ten steps back. 

i know i need to let go of that time in my life, but i can't. i guess i think if i manage to fix it ill somehow be whole again. ill be fixing all of the things that i can't take back. all of my regrets will go away if i just have her. 

if she forgives me then maybe ill forgive myself. its a pathetic wish. i should be able to forgive myself and move on. and i don't know how many times i need to tell myself this before i can actually make it happen. 

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i wish i had an idea as to what i want to do with this story ughhhhhh