Take Me Back To Paddington (SERIES)

Chapter 5 - The Drink

How can I get her back?

Yes. That was the only question I had been asking myself ever since I lost her. At that time I felt like nothing else could beat the pain of being lonely. It was alright to be on your own at first, enjoying the peace it offered, and also your own company. But now I realised, it wasn't pretty to be alone anymore when that serenity had been compromised by the love I fought for.

I was just fine before, waking up on my bed, going to work, doing my work, resting after work and going back to bed. That pretty much summed up my previous life besides handling a father who I would rather love than hate, until I found myself waking up on somebody else's bed; Lisa's.

It was so beautiful to finally have someone to wake up to when my whole life had always been basic. Having Lisa in it was definitely a huge upgrade, and I made up my mind that I wouldn't settle for less anymore. Even though everything had its own price, everything, I was just fine before. We...were just fine.

Until I decided to be ungrateful to what I was blessed with; Lisa's love. Until everything she had given was no longer sufficient to cater my needs. Until everything that she was, had been nothing else than just imperfection. That was when I convinced myself that I wasn't fine, we weren't fine.

Pushing the glass shot on the bar, I let my voice out.

"Another one, please"

I wasn't sure why I wasn't home at this hour, wasting time in a pub that was full of men instead of resting on a bed that had always been a safe place for me. I didn't know why I drank almost 5 shots of vodka either, considering that I never got the temptation to. I didn't let any alcoholic drinks passed through my throat before, not because I had something against it or the people who liked to drink, but merely because I despised the things that it could do to the brain. As for now, as someone who just drank for the first time, I didn't feel good already. My head was spinning in a painful way. My ears picked up noises in irregular waves, and my mind was unsure of what was happening.

But I was certain of why I needed to drink; I wanted to forget everything.

It was easy to hear how sorry people were for my loss. It was acceptable to believe that time could heal almost everything. But was it easy for me to accept how sorry I was for what I had done to Lisa? No. It was definitely hard to make peace with my own self when I had caused a terrible war before. It was ridiculous to rely on time to do the job also, while the time itself was ticking in ages that felt so slow, so consuming, but nothing was healed yet. And the best way to make it work was trying to forget my mistakes, my regrets, my guilt with the help of alcohol. At least that was what I managed to come up with.

I swallowed the last shot of the drink, squeezing my eyes shut as I forced myself not to throw up. My hand dug into my handbag, intending to take out a few pounds and putting them on the bar once they were found. I thought it was better for me to leave this pub before I got even more drunk, I might put Natalie in trouble by coming here and taking me back home if I kept drinking. However, it was so unfortunate for me when I had to rely on the same bar I put the glass shot earlier just so I wouldn't fall.

It was already too late, I could barely stand on my own feet now.

"God," I groaned a little, putting my weight along my arms for them to hold since my legs had lost at least half of their strength.

How can I go back like this?

I still kept my eyes closed since my head hurt so much, feeling how my chest had gone heavier as well. This part of me was one of the things I failed to understand, which was the uncertainty to either cry or to laugh. Because at that time I felt like doing both. I wanted to cry for everything that had happened, remembering all the stuff I said to Lisa before she got into an accident. I wanted to laugh at myself too, for the jokes God put on me as if I never prayed for His grace and sympathy before. I was so confused, lost in path of what to do. Maybe the vodka was too strong for a new drinker like me because the more I drank, the more I remembered.