Take Me Back To Paddington (SERIES)

Chapter 36 - The Notebook

It was anger. It was sadness. It was love.

Those feelings wrapped themselves around my neck, making my breath shallow like I was tied at the back of a carriage. And the pain began to drag me around in circles; humiliated and disrespected as if a heart was valued by its pain-free status. Then my heart would worth nothing.

Because listening to her pleading drowned me in pain. Seeing her cries drowned me in pain. Witnessing her being in pain, pained me.

The lights on the glass wall kept blinking, separating me from a dream that I had no control of and what was happening to Chae on the other side. The Lisa was hurting the only woman I loved, right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything about it.

I lost my Chae once. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, crying and begging to be freed on that night. And at this moment, everything was shown to me once again. I was here with her yet still, I was hopeless.

If only I could smash this glass wall with my hands, I would do it until my bones broke. If only I could scream until the glass shattered, would do it until I no longer had a voice. If only my love could save Chae one more time, I would do it until I could no longer love again.

The time spun in the mass of 'if' and exception, both weren't the reality I was hoping for.

My soul bled in Chae's tears without a host to wipe them. My soul fought with her without a host to make it right. My soul screeched to a clamour without a host to cross swords.

"I have to get in there," I cried under my breath. "Please? Let me in"

The lights in front of me were getting dimmer just like my patience that had been weaker.

"I heard you loved Him?" I said. "You loved Him more than anything?"

My anger multiplied even more when the Lisa just grabbed Chae's crying face.

"Did you really?"

Then the lights suddenly blinking again as if it was challenging my wrath.

"Was your love this weak? You can't even break a glass"

Looking at how the glass wall became brighter, I wrapped the anger in me with all the hatred and disappointment I had in me since I lost Chae.

"Your love to Him meant nothing; weak and helpless just like you are!" I pressured my throat that had started to hurt. "Abandoned! Disregarded! Deceived!"

The light was so bright until I could no longer see what was happening at the other side. No more Chae. No more another Lisa. My eyes were blinded by the painful white.

"Do you hear me, Lucifer?!" I yelled for as loud as my tongue wasn't ripped off from my mouth yet. "You and your love are just pathetic! Fucking pathetic!!!"

Apart from my own screams, a loud sound of broken glass was the last thing I heard before my body was thrown, slammed hard on the tiles, meeting the head that made everything in my ears vibrating.

I groaned when the high pitched ringing gave me a physical pain in my inner ears that was close to the one I experienced during my shooting training of becoming a police officer; a gun blast next to my shooting spot without ear covers.

"Chae..." I whimpered, trying to roll my body over.

"Lisa?"

I pressed both of my arms on the floor in attempt to push myself up, but I felt a soft touch that was so reluctant, careful and scared on my shoulder.

"Chae"

Her arms held me by the chest as soon as I called her name. "Ohh God! Lisa!" She helped me to sit up. "Lisa..."