Save me. (Remington Leith X Andy Biersack)

Chapter 71

I think I made a huge mistake.

We did an interview today and I said what happened, why tour was cancelled. I can't believe I let it out. I hate myself for exposing it all. I'm an idiot! I let them see me cry. I let them see me vulnerable. It's half two in the morning. Guess what? I can't fucking sleep. I'm so sick of my own fucking stupid brain fucking my life up all the damn time. What is wrong with me?? Why am I so useless??
I kissed Andy the other day. I feel safe with him now, so I guess that's good. I told him I was raped. I'm surprised that he hasn't left me yet. Everyone always leaves. I should feel better now. Now that everyone knows the truth. But I don't. I feel horrible. I feel like I'm just begging for sympathy. That's what people kept commenting. It must be true if they said it, right?

God, I hate myself.

Tears soak into the page and Remington throws the book on the floor. He hates this feeling. He doesn't understand why he feels like this. He's done everything Abigail said. Take his pills, open up about what happened, talk to someone when he needs help.

So why does he want to die tonight?

He hasn't felt like this for so long. He remembers how this used to be a common thing. The suicidal thoughts, the self harm, the crying at night. But why is it happening now?

Why doesn't he feel better now?

Remington stands up off the bed and runs his hands through his hair, exhaling. He looks at the bottle of pills by the bed, shakes his head, and closes his eyes. The temptation is so strong, so inviting. All he has to do is swallow them. All of them. "No," he whispers to himself, shaking his head again, "I can't."

Do it.

The boy stares at the container with wide and weary eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks. He's so sick of crying. He rubs his eyes with his fists and turns away, willing himself not to do it.

But it would be so easy.

His heart thumps. He bends down, picks up the notebook and the pen.

Help.

The word is scrawled across a whole page in messy, shaky writing. The boy snaps the pen without meaning to and drops it, discarding the book too. "I can't," he repeats. He needs to talk to Abigail. She'll help. She always helps.

Remington finds his phone on the bed and dials the therapist, holding it up to his ear and sitting down heavily. He's relieved when she answers. "Remington?" A sobs escapes and he holds his free hand over his mouth. "Remington, what's going on?"

The boy talks quietly, not wanting to wake Larisa or Sebastian. "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what to do."

Abigail sits up in her bed. She's heard Remington talk like this once before in therapy, right after tour was cancelled. "Can you tell me why you're crying?" She keeps her voice soft, careful.

"I'm scared," he sobs, "I want to die." His eyes land on the pill bottle again and he shivers.

The woman's heart breaks. What happened to all the progress they had made? "Is there anyone else in the house?" She asks, wanting to make sure Remington isn't on his own.

He sniffles. "Sebastian's in the other room," he mumbles, "don't wanna wake him." His chest is aching with every strangled sob and his eyes burn. He's so tired.

"You need to wake him, Remington. You can't be alone when you're feeling like this." Her tone is stern and gentle at the same time.

Remington sobs. "I can," he argues, "I can."

Abigail sighs. Her husband wakes up beside her. "No, it's not safe. It's okay to need help."

The boy stands up and wipes his eyes, wanting the tears to stop. "I-I'm going to get him," he mumbles, "don't go until he's awake. Please." He opens the bedroom door and steps onto the landing.

"Okay."

Remington slowly pushes his brother's door open and wants to turn around and disappear. He can't disturb him. His hands tremble. "Sebby?" Luckily, that is enough to wake the man, who opens his eyes.

"You okay, pumpkin?" The guitarist asks softly, sitting up.

Shaking his head, Remington hangs up the phone. "Didn't wanna disturb you," he whispers, "but I need you."

Sebastian slides out of bed. "It's alright, precious, let's get you into bed, yeah?" He offers his hand, and the younger nods, taking it in his shaking one. "What's wrong?" The man asks his brother carefully, leading him across the hall and into the bedroom.

Shivering, the singer inhales and exhales slowly. "Can't sleep," he mumbles, watching Sebastian pick up the broken pen and the notebook. "God a bit overwhelmed."

"Oh sweetie, come here," the guitarist says softly, eyes skimming over the writing on the paper. Remington walks into his brother's arms and Sebastian whispers, "there's nothing wrong with you. It's okay to feel sad. It's alright." He rubs the boy's back. "I'm going to get you some sleeping pills tomorrow."

Remington doesn't protest. He doesn't care. "'kay," he mumbles, pulling away to crawl into bed. The older lies with him and holds the boy to his chest, and Remington exhales. "'m sorry."

"No. Don't. Sleep now."

In the morning, Sebastian goes to the pharmacy to buy some sleeping pills, and Remington texts Andy, asking if the man wants to come over for a bit. He's in need of something to cheer him up.

When Andy arrives, the two lovers sit in the living room playing cards for a while, and Remington finds himself smiling and laughing. "I saw your interview," Andy says, after an hour or so of cards.

The boy looks down. "You did?"

"Yeah. I'm proud of you." He puts the cards back into the pack.

Remington sighs. "I'm not," he mumbles, not really meaning for it to be heard.

Andy frowns. He looks at his love. "Are you alright, princess?" He asks, noticing how Remington has been down all morning.

Shaking his head, the younger glances up at the man. "Not really," he admits, "I didn't really sleep well last night." He plays with the bottom of his shirt. "I kinda-I kinda regret the interview."

"I'm sorry, baby," Andy says, "it was the right thing to do."

"Yeah-well-shit happens," Remington murmurs, and yawns. "I haven't taken my fucking pills either. For God's sake." He huffs and stands up. "I'll be right back." Remington goes upstairs to take his medication and Andy waits for him patiently, happy that the singer is talking to him more.