Lost In My Head

Pushing People Away

I feel like I have a habit of pushing people away, and I know it isn't good for me, but I still do. Because, in my head, if I push them away on my terms, then when I inevitably hurt them, I can console myself by saying I tried to prevent it, I tried to protect them. It's not the most sound logic in the world, but it makes sense to me. It's made sense to me since I was little and picking fights with my mom, armed with whatever object was nearest to me, and the most painful words I could think of. I would rather have her hate me for something that was in my control, rather than have me mess up on accident, and gain her ire that way.

The psych major in me is screaming that I have control issues that I need to work out with professional help, but the internet is free so here I am. Honestly, I think it's less about control and more about fear. I used to not be so terrified of so many things, but that is how I am now. I am scared of parking in parking garages, I'm scared of cop cars behind me, I'm scared of the word Malibu, and I am scared of being rejected. Each fear is not completely unwarranted, but they are able to be overcome, with reasonable difficulty. It's not something I should be scared of, because I could get over them if I wanted to, but I still am.

When I was younger, I used to take all my fears, save one, and face them head on. If my heart beat a little too fast when I jumped off the diving board, I would climb back up and jump until I felt that skip in my heart go away. If talking to someone scared me, I would sit by them, and find something in common, till I could open my mouth and say "hi". I guess it was easier when I was younger, when I wasn't analyzing the thousands of ways what I was doing could bite me in the butt. I want to be like that again though, I want to be almost fearless. I want to be able to have the courage to do anything, except for go into the dark by myself. Funnily enough, the one fear I had when I was younger, is what I find most comforting now. The dark.

Maybe it's because I see that same emptiness inside myself sometimes, but the dark is no longer scary monsters and faceless whispers, it's now a warm blanket that hides me from the world. I like to be hidden, in fact, my favorite game used to be hide and seek, because I was the master at hiding. I liked hiding so much, that I started hiding myself from everyone in my life. I became who I thought people would like, whether it be strong and cool, or timid and mysterious. When someone pushed past that though, I got scared. In answer to my fear, I would lash out, try to shove them as far as away as possible, because I knew they wouldn't like me. I did that for so long, that eventually that became everyone's default image of me. It was easier to keep it that way, than to tell them that image was my fear and not me.

So yeah, I have a habit of pushing people away. But, hey, better I push them away, than them push me.