Bitter Sweet Christmas

07: Jealous Lips

"I can't believe there's 17 days until Christmas." I said as I walked to the cafeteria with Logan. We didn't really talk much over the weekend and I didn't tell him anything about what happened with Jack. I had to find a good time to tell him and ask him for advice.

"And school is out in 9 more school days."

"So basically 13 in all."

"If you want to be technical." he replied. "But school days only count, really." he replied. We found our table and sat down.

"Are you going to eat?" he asked.

"No. I'm not that hungry. I'll just drink whatever I packed today."

"Okay. I'm going to get in line then." he got up and walked over to the line. I felt bad for not telling him about Jack. All weekend his words had been played over and over again in my head. On Friday night I couldn't sleep because that was all I could think about. I thought about it over and over again but I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to ask my parents because I knew they would tell me no and Seth, well, I didn't really bother. He was always too busy with his friends or school work. It never crossed my mind. I already knew no matter who I asked, they would say no but I told myself that I couldn't tell him that just yet.

What was taking him so long? I looked for Logan around the line. I hated how these lines took forever. He was almost at the front, thankfully. Being alone in this cafeteria really sucked. Unfortunately, I was one of those people who at one point had to deal with that. My friends left me last year. It was the two of them against me. That was when Jack had come into the picture. He saw me sitting there alone and joined me at the table. From that point on we started hanging out and he was always there for me. People didn't understand how someone like me ended up with someone like him. I didn't understand either. There were so many other girls who were just so much prettier and all around better but he chose me. I still don't understand to this day why he for some reason still chooses me over all the other girls in the world. Thinking about him gave me a warm feeling in my heart but it just didn't feel right for me to go back to him. It wasn't just the break up on Christmas. It was also the fact that he still flirted with other girls while we were together. He still did things but in the end reassured me that I was 'still his number one'. It was like no matter what he said, only lies came out. I knew I wasn't his 'one and only'.

The truth was, no one knew that I saw things that he had no idea I knew about. I saw him kissing another girl at a party. There wasn't just one. No, there were 3 within the time we dated, that I knew about. But, I never bothered saying a word no matter how much it hurt me. I should have, though.

"Hello, Char." an arm was thrown around my shoulder. I looked to my right to see Jack. Of course he would come right now.

"What do you want, Jack?" I asked as I pushed his arm off my shoulder. He threw it right back on and gave a cheeky smile.

"Just want to see my lovely girl." he replied. I pushed it off once again but he obviously threw it right back on. After a while of pushing it off even more, I gave up as he threw back on for like the twentieth time.

"I'm not your lovely girl." I stated.

"What's going on here?" Logan asked awkwardly.

"Just sitting with my girl." he kissed my cheek. In the corner of my eye I could see Logan sitting up straight and heard his breathing getting a bit faster. I turned to him and he looked mad. I pushed Jack away.

"I'll leave you-"

"Logan, no." I stopped him before he could get up. "We're not together."

"You said you'd think about it." he threw in.

"That doesn't mean we're together." I glared at him. "Now, could you please leave us alone?"

"Sure." he stood up. "Anything for my Char." I rolled my eyes.

"Think about it!" he yelled as he walked backwards then turned around.

"What did he mean when he said you told him that you'd 'think about it'?" Logan asked.

"He kinda came over once we got home from dinner on Friday." I explained, playing with my thumbs. "He said he felt bad for what he did and basically he wants to get back together."

"And you told him you'd think about it?" he asked.

"I lied." I admitted. Of course I was going to think about it but not in the way he thought I would. I'd think about the words he said and what had happened but not about the answer. From the start I knew I was going to say no.

"Then why didn't you just tell him no from the start?" he asked anxiously. He was leaning toward me across the table as he raised his voice. I leaned back a little feeling uncomfortable.

"Woah, calm down." I replied.

"Sorry." he mumbled, sitting back.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, it's nothing." he said looking down.

"You're lying."

"No I'm not."

"I may have known you only for a couple weeks but I know you're lying." I stated. "Tell me."

"Fine." he sighed. For a few moments I waited for him to talk. Once again, he sighed and began. "There's this girl. I kind of started to like her after the whole break up thing and I did something I feel really guilty about."

"What did you do?" I asked, concerned.

"I can't tell you."

"Oh."

"Who's this girl?" I wriggled my eyebrows trying to lighten up the mood.

"You most likely don't know her." he replied plainly. Still no expression. I didn't really know what to feel. I was feeling a little hurt that it wasn't me but then again, why would I want it to be me? I didn't like Logan. Did I?

"Oh." I repeated. For a couple of minutes, we sat there but I couldn't take the silence anymore. I just got up and left the table. I didn't know where I was leaving to but I only knew that I wasn't going back there.

*
School finally ended and I was walking out. I hadn't talked to Logan since lunch and I really didn't feel like it now. We usually walked home together but today I just needed to think. As fast as I could, I walked to the front of the school and when I got outside, I tried as hard as I could not to slip and fall on the wet floor covered in snow.

Once I was far enough from the school, I walked slower. School was so stressful I couldn't wait until vacation. I just wish Jack would have never come back. Maybe then I wouldn't have had any extra stress on my chest. How does he think that he could just come here and win me back? Does he expect me to fall right back into his arms after everything he knows he's done? He wasn't worth my tears nor was he worth anyone's love. Then why was it so hard for me to say no to him?

Ugh. Why did I have to be such a girl?