Bitter Sweet Christmas

08: Break Free

"Guys, the school called." my mom announced from downstairs. "There's no school yet again due to the storm."

"Yes!" Seth cheered. Instead of cheering, I groaned.

"What are you so mad about?" he asked as he passed by me.

"I'm wide awake and ready! They should have called earlier." I complained stomping into my room. I slammed the door behind me and changed back into my sweats. Thank goodness they cancelled school again. It was freezing cold and I couldn't stand another day in my first two periods without the heater. They both make all of us suffer in that freezing cold room because they're afraid it'll get 'too hot'. It'll take one of us freezing to death in order for them to finally turn it on. But, I can tell you now, it won't be me.

I jumped on my bed and covered myself up with the cozy blankets I put out for winter. I turned on my tv and flipped through the channels searching for some sort of movie. I finally found the 25 days of Christmas countdown and watched about 3 of those movies before I finally went downstairs to get some sort of snack.

Once I was back in my room, I locked the door and sat on my bed. I really needed to think about this whole situation. I needed to figure out what I was going to do by at least Friday. It was Tuesday so that left me with very little time.

The question that continued to bug me this whole time was about my inability to have the power to say no. Again I asked myself, Why was it so hard for me to say no to him? That was my final answer so why did I not want to say it? I obviously don't have any sort of feelings for him. Over time, all the love for him that had ever been there was lost. It had been gone for a long time.

That's how it was supposed to be.

That's how I thought it was supposed to be.

But, that's not how it is.

We were supposed to go down separate paths. I couldn't hold him back anymore. He had to be set free and that's what I did. I set him free. Because, they say, If you really love someone, set them free. If it's meant to be, they will come back.

But, the thing was, he did come back and I didn't want him to. It's not meant to be and we both knew that yet we didn't want to except it. At least, now he doesn't want to.

I was so sure of my feelings and now I'm not. I don't want another broken heart from the same person over and over again. I knew better than to make the same mistake twice in certain situations.

I threw my head back on my pillow and massaged my temples. All this thinking was giving me a headache. The sound of my phone buzzing filled the room. I reached out and slapped my hand all over the table until I finally hit the phone and grabbed it. A text from Logan popped up on the screen.

Are you okay?

I quickly unlocked my phone and replied.

C: Yeah. Why?

L: Nothing. You just stormed outta school yesterday. Figured you needed some space so I waited until today to ask.

C: Needed time to think that's all.

L: About the whole thing with Jerk?

C: I know they both start with J and end with K but two different words, Logan. Although, he could pass for one.

C: And to answer your question, yes and no.

L: Yes and no? It could only be one, young lady.

C: Then.... in the middle.

L: Is it something you wanna talk about?

C: Nah.

L: Is that a 'yah' autocorrected to a 'nah'?

C: No, Logan. Although it could've been. Good thinking.

L: I was told I'm very smart.

C: Eh.

L: rude .

C: So I've been told.

I locked my phone and sat up. It was so cold out but I needed to go for a walk. Maybe I'd go to the store and get more snacks. I am a growing girl.

*
"Charlotte!" I heard some call. I turned around to see a woman with a shopping cart waving.

"Hi." I smiled. I had no idea who this woman was.

"How've you been?" she asked. She had the biggest smile on her face. It was as if she was actually really happy to see me. If only I knew who the heck this woman was.

"Good. How are you?"

"I've been good." she replied. "You know ever since he returned to his old school Jack hasn't stopped talking about you. Charlotte this. Charlotte that." She began laughing and I did too but a fake one. By this time my eyes were as wide a saucers and I finally knew who this was. The realization hit me like a truck and obviousness slapped me in the face because I was so oblivious. It was Jack's mom. Of course. Yes with my wonderful luck out of all times, I ran into her. Out of all people in the world. Why her?

As if on cue, Jack walked back with some things and when he looked at me his eyes were wide.

"Hey Jack. Look who I ran into." she giggled.

"Hello, Charlotte." he smirked. It took all I had not to glare at him in front of his mother but instead I smiled. He gave me a confused look.

"Hi, Jack."

"Jack, why don't you invite her to dinner on Friday." she suggested.

"Maybe then you can talk to her instead of talking to us about her!" she joked as she laughed. He blushed and I couldn't help but giggle a little.

"I'll leave you two to talk. Meet me at front when you're done."

"Sure, mom." he replied and she walked away. As soon as she was at a reasonable distance, or at least where she couldn't hear or see what was about to take place, I burst out laughing and Jack just glared at me. Once I was able to catch my breath, I looked up at him. He was still glaring but I couldn't help but smile.

"You talk about me to your parents?" I tried to hold in my laughter but it came out again.

"You know what Charlotte-"

"No, no." I took deep breaths and stood up straight after bending over to laugh. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay."

"Okay." I repeated. He shook his head and I smiled innocently.

"So, lover boy. You didn't answer my question." I reminded him about it.

"Only to tell them how annoying you are." he joked and I fake gasped, pretending I was hurt. He smiled and tried not to laugh but if I knew him, I knew he'd give in. It took a couple more minutes but, he finally did. We talked for what felt like forever. It felt good to talk to him once again and I thought that maybe being friends wouldn't be so bad. But, I remembered that he didn't want just that. The thing was, I didn't want that. I wanted to just be friends.

*
As soon as I walked in my room, I stepped in front of the mirror. I looked completely terrible. My hair was so frizzy and there were so many baby hairs sticking out. My lips were all chapped and my face had a couple of pimples, some more visible than others. I wasn't fat but I wasn't completely skinny. There were so many flaws that I saw in the mirror. All that I hated.

Why would Jack want someone like this? Why did he ever want someone like this? No wonder Logan chose someone else over me. I bet she was beautiful. Any girl would be lucky to catch his eye or be with him. He was a good guy. A good guy who deserved a friend better than me.

Although I hated all my flaws, I was learning to accept them, in hopes that maybe one day, I'd break free from all my insecurities and be able to love myself. To respect myself and not let anyone push me around as if I was nothing. Because I wasn't nothing. I was something. Something just trying to find out who they were.