Bitter Sweet Christmas

15: Just a Little Bit of Your Heart

Vacation began a little early. The storm was only getting progressively worse and the air was only getting colder and colder. The snow blew around and hit like tiny little grains of sand did at the beach. Neither felt nice.

It was best that around this time that you stay inside but, at this moment I was standing outside, in the cold, on the verge of getting frostbite. I shivered as I wrapped my arms around my body.

You might be saying, Charlotte, you idiot! What the hell are you doing outside when it's like negative 21 degrees?!

Well, here I am looking into his stupid brown eyes as he stands here and says all these words that I've heard so many times, over and over again, yet they were never proved. They were all lies that were spoken and never fulfilled. But, of course I was wasting my time and listening to him ramble and scream. So many emotions were expressed by the way his said the words coming out of his mouth. He looked so broken. His eyes weren't the same shade of brown they always were and he sounded so guilty. It was as if for once he actually felt bad about something he did. I was another story.

I had to bite my tongue a couple of times to keep from screaming at him. He had asked me to just listen to him for once and I agreed. Sometimes you do things you regret and by the time it's done, you realize it's too late. From the looks of it, the words he was saying gave off the fact that he was all too familiar with that feeling as well.

"Charlotte, can I please talk to you outside?" The last time I heard those words I was left there on the steps of my porch, just staring at him walk away. But, of course I was an idiot and I followed him. He turned around and stared at me once we reached the middle of the lawn and I crossed my arms. What now?

"I thought I made it clear when-"

"Charlotte." he finally spoke. I immediately stopped, ready to hear what he had to say. And to tell me why he called me outside when he knew it was freezing and snowing hard.

"Can you please just hear me out? Just for a couple of minutes."

"You have five minutes." I hesitantly replied. Who really knew it wouldn't just be five minutes?

That's what led me to this moment. The moment where he completely broke down but didn't dare shed a tear because he was obviously too scared to cry in front of a girl. A girl who has broken down in front of him from time to time.

"I'm so sorry, Charlotte." he continued rambling on. His voice continuously cracked as his glossy eyes held in the tears of shame. Pride did things to people. "I'm not sure there's anything that will ever be enough to express how sorry I am. And if you don't forgive me, I understand because this apology and the things I've done are unforgivable and not worth your love or forgiveness. I don't think I could ever say sorry enough for you to finally forgive me.

"The things I did, they were so stupid. They're honest mistakes that can't be undone but they can be learned from. I promise you, Charlotte. I've learned from them and I promise to never hurt you again if you just please take me back. For an undeserved second chance." A little tear rolled down his cheek as his voice sounded more broken than before. He sounded desperate. Desperate for forgiveness that he probably didn't deserve yet he was going to get. He just stared at me, waiting for an answer. I couldn't move or manage to say anything. Partly because I was in shock and had no idea what to say. Another part was because the cold air managed to stiffen my bones and any slight movement threatened to instantly crack them. Maybe that would be better than having to answer this question or having to listen to this. Anything would be better than the situation I was in now.

"I know, you're going to make mistakes. We all do." I started. I had no idea where I was going from here and the rest of the things I was going to say weren't going to make any sense. But, it was worth a try. "Trust me, I've made a lot. When you make mistakes, it's okay if it happens only once or twice. But, it's not okay for it to happen 4 times though, Jack. By then, it's not a mistake anymore.

"It's something you're doing purposely over and over again when you know you're doing it. You're just using the word mistake as an excuse and telling them you'll make sure not to do it again just to get away with it. Once you make your getaway, you do it all over again."

"But if you just give me a chance I'll prove it to you-"

"I've given you a chance and you screwed it up." I stopped him. He continued to stare at me with those broken eyes. Don't stare at me with those eyes, I internally pleaded. "Don't you realize the damage you've done? I know about those other girls you messed around with when we were dating. It killed me inside yet I did nothing about it. When that thought makes its way back to my mind, all I can think about is how I should've broken up with you while I had the chance. It would've spared me the pain Christmas morning...

"All you've ever done was destroy me and it sucks because you were the first one to make me believe in forever. You were my forever and I was yours. But, hell. If I would've known forever was this short, I would've never signed up for it." I heard sniffling. I stared up at his red eyes then at his lips that were turned into a frown. It hurt so much to see him like this. I wonder if he felt the same way once he saw me that day. But, it didn't matter now because this was the present and that was the past. It was time to get over things and let go. This was part of letting go- releasing the one thing that replayed the memories over and over again. The one who brought the pain back and reminded you not to forget it. "All I asked.." my voice became shaky. "..was for a little bit of this." I placed the tip of my index finger on his chest as he stared down at it and looked back up at me. "And I couldn't even get that.." as if possible, his frown became even more curved. So curved you could see it from a mile away. It felt like my heart was returning to the tiny little shards it once was all over again. Don't do this to me, Jack.

"It's funny how someone who once made you feel like you were everything.. can treat you like you were nothing." I tried to hold in my tears as my voice continued to get shakier and shakier. "But, that's just the way people are and I need to stop moping over it because that's the way it always will be." A few tears slowly rolled down my cheeks as I mirrored his expression.

We were both standing there with red eyes and rosy cheeks that were stained with lines that represented the pain of the past. I hugged him for the last time. A hug of goodbye to our past. A hug of see you along the way and it's been a good run. A hug that was a symbol of goodbye to an old friendship.

But, this can't be it. It didn't feel like this would be it. I knew there would be something more but down a different path. Something told me that this wasn't the end.

"If I can't have you, can we at least be friends?" he whispered into my ear. This time, without hesitation I nodded my head and smiled. He grinned a bit but I could still see the brokenness in his eyes. Things began to look brighter and I felt a huge weight off my chest.

Now that is the end. Our end.