Bitter Sweet Christmas

18: Charlotte's Heart

Charlotte's heart was a caged heart some times worn on her sleeve. Charlotte's heart was many things except whole.

Charlotte's heart was an irreplaceable heart. No one could make a person smile the way Charlotte did. No one could replace Charlotte or her heart. She was unique and interested in things that you wouldn't find as amazing as she did. But, that's what Charlotte was; irreplaceable. You could try all you want but no one would ever fill in those quirks or traits she possessed. Charlotte was Charlotte and there was only one Charlotte.

Charlotte's heart was a disappointed heart. She had been left on the curb so many times for hours just waiting. She'd gotten used to it and finally realized that they never were going to come. To this day, they never did. Nothing ever revolved around Charlotte and if something didn't go her way, it didn't faze her. Why? Because she knew from the start that the things she does don't usually go as planned. Nothing ever goes right for Charlotte but it always did for Seth. Every birthday, every party, every event Seth planned. But, the one time Charlotte had planned something for her birthday, it all went wrong. The car broke down the day of her birthday and the next day when her mother promised to make it up to her, it rained so hard that the streets were flooded. Henceforth, Charlotte got used to disappointment.

Charlotte's heart was a forgiving heart. She easily forgave people, sometimes too easily. People began to abuse her forgiving heart and did things to purposely hurt her then apologized. She knew what they were doing but Charlotte's heart caved in like when rocks fell from somewhere and piled up, trapping the characters in that cave they had been stupidly searching in the movies.

Charlotte's heart was an unselfish heart. Most of her focus was devoted to school. When it was clocked out, she devoted her focus to other people. Never herself. Charlotte could have a huge scrape on her leg that needed immediate attention and over to the side could be her little cousin, Marnie with a tiny little scrape that just needed to be washed and Charlotte would take care of Marnie's needs first. It was an instinct. Her human nature. It was as if 'help' had been written in her mind with a sharpie.

Charlotte's heart was a sad heart. She sometimes spent the night, crying or just sat in the rain, thinking. Thinking or crying about nothing yet she felt she was about everything.

Charlotte's heart was a happy heart. She'd dance in the rain and jump in puddles. Skip around and sing along to her favorite song.

Charlotte's heart was a confused heart. She had no idea how it was possible to be both happy and sad. The only explanation was that she was lying about one trait but she didn't know which one. That was something she was trying to figure out because she didn't know herself yet.

Charlotte's heart was a lying heart. She was lying about her feelings. Sometimes she'd spend the night crying or doodling pictures of sad faces or of people crying yet when she woke up, she smiled. Her two famous words were 'I'm okay' and everyone was too gullible to believe they were true. But, she knew they were lies. Was there anyone else that did to?

Charlotte's heart was a regretful heart. She still regretted the time she 'bullied' that girl in 1st grade. In her defense, she had no idea what she was doing but that was no excuse. Her parents told her what she was doing was standing up for herself because the girl had pushed Charlotte around before and Charlotte had had enough. But, the teachers called it bullying because they didn't know about what the girl did. For the rest of the year, Charlotte was alone because she was a bully and no one likes bullies.

Charlotte's heart was a vulnerable heart. One time her cousin jumped on her and Charlotte fell to the ground. Her name is Abigail. Abigail was wild. She pinned Charlotte down and once she gave up, Abigail began punching her in the stomach and in the face. Charlotte took it. She didn't bother fighting back. Abigail stopped when her older brother came and picked up Charlotte who had been crying. Abigail tried to blame Charlotte for attacking her but he saw. He saw everything and didn't believe his sister one bit.

Charlotte's heart was a tired heart. Tired of being pushed around and told what to do. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being blamed and tired of being disappointed.

Tired, vulnerable, regretful, lying, confused, happy, sad, unselfish, forgiving, disappointed, irreplaceable, caged. These all described Charlotte's heart but there was something missing that described it so perfectly. It was like it took all these words that represented pieces and mended them together into one full heart. It was broken.

Charlotte's heart was a broken heart. It had been thrown, stomped on, crumbled into tiny microscopic pieces and she just watched them do it. She couldn't and wouldn't do anything about it because she knew she couldn't stop them. It was already too late. She let them push her around and they always left her once the job was done or when they didn't need her anymore. But, no more. Charlotte's heart was a new heart with some pieces missing but that was okay. She would go on and everything was going to be okay.