Bitter Sweet Christmas

20: This Christmas

A year ago, I didn't think I'd be right here moping on Christmas Day. I thought I'd be happier than I was now. But, turns out Christmas just wasn't suited for a girl like me.

Everyone was smiling and enjoying their breakfast as I picked at my food. Nothing seemed to bother Logan, though. He was perfectly fine and enjoying his time like they were. What was I getting worked up over? Why should I spend my time obsessing over this when he couldn't give any less of a care?

Oh, Charlotte. You dramatic overreacting you.

"Honey, aren't you going to eat?" my mom asked and I shook my head.

"Too "excited." I plastered a fake smile that everyone believed in but me. I knew it was fake but they didn't. It was going to stay that way for as long as I could keep it up without breaking. No one knew me well enough to know a fake smile from a real one. Not even my own parents. How did I expect some random person to be able to?

"You sure don't look like it." she replied, losing her smile.

"Just tired." I sighed. Always just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of being sad. Tired of everything.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

No, I didn't. I was too busy staying up until 3 am just thinking about the inevitable. "Yes. Not enough I guess."

"Go get some rest. We'll wake you when we're ready for presents." she smiled and I nodded my head. Leaving my full plate, I walked over to the couch in the living room and lied down with a warm blanket wrapped around me. Instantly, I drifted off into a peaceful, undisturbed sleep.

**
"And this one is for Abby." my aunt grunted as she passed a large present over to where my cousin was sitting. Abby had a grin from ear to ear as she watched it being placed in front of her.

"Who's it from?" my mom yelled.

"It's from you guys." Abby answered and my mom lifted up her camera with this huge toothy smile on her face. The sound of laughter and paper being ripped filled the air as everyone smiled and enjoyed their Christmas morning. Every now and then I smiled and said a quick thank you or I laughed at something that happened.

"This ones to Charlotte." I looked up and grabbed the present from my hand. My aunt continued to dig through the presents and the rest of my family was showing off what they got and pictures were being taken. Everyone was so happy and maybe for once, I was too. It was Christmas- my favorite holiday and everyone was here. Everyone I loved and cared about was surrounding me and there was so much love in the air.

I looked at my surroundings, enjoying this moment. My eyes met with a pair of familiar brown ones and I smiled. Logan smiled in return and we continued to do that, not caring if anyone was watching. Who knew that a year from last Christmas, my life would be the way it was now? It made me wonder what my life would be like a year from this moment. Would Logan still be in my life? Or would he leave..

Thoughts of last year flooded my thoughts. No, this wasn't the time but it was all I could think about now. I broke my stare and looked back down at my feet. I couldn't let something so small and stupid ruin my Christmas- again. My breathing increased as my heart beat sped up. I needed a change of thought.

Love. Family. Friends. Presents. Christmas. Love and family. Yeah, love and family. Family surrounding me with love in the air- air yeah, that's what I need. Air.

I immediately stood up and earned my family's attention.

"Charlotte what's wrong?"

"Charlotte where are you going?"