Sick

Depression

Namjoon's pov

8 months later! In total it's been 20 months, a year and 8 months. It doesn't feel like that, it feels longer but if I'm being completely honest I couldn't even care less about the time. Nothing made sense now. My thoughts are my worst enemy and overthinking is my hobby.

My days are spent at work, I drown myself in them in order to stop myself from straying away to the awful thoughts killing me from the inside. The nights are harder. I take up overnight shifts whenever they're available but on the days when there aren't any I just go out to bars or casinos to avoid going home.

Jimin is still at my parents house. I haven't seen him in real life since he left, we face time each other and I check up on him. He seems to be better. I think. Mom says he doesn't speak a lot to them and stays inside all the time which is worrying but I don't want Jimin to come to this kind if environment I'm in. It's not healthy.
It's better if he's away and safe.

Jungkook tries to cheer me up sometimes but It doesn't really work. People at work have noticed my change in behaviour but they don't dare to say anything about it.

I drive out to a club that doubles as a sports bar, taking the longer way so that I wouldn't have to look at the house on my way there. After arriving I order a whiskey with ice and just sit in a corner. The usual! There are TVs on the walls, I'm thankful for that; distractions.

In that all too brief moment however my mind fails to get lost in whatever was showing on the television, instead it begins to think; a very bad thing.

Thoughts of that day start to replay in my mind. Seokjin falling after being shot, Jimin watching his dad fall to the ground and laying there on the cold ground. The blood. It was all too much to take in, let alone process and be reminded of it everyday. Sometimes I think they really killed him. It's gruesome to think about but why haven't they come back and demanded money? Is Jin dead? What do I tell Jimin if that's so. How do I even face him, how are we suppose to function?

I wish I didn't ask him to run, if I could turn back time I'd have taken the shot without a second thought. I would've made sure they'd be safe. But I can't, I failed....I failed Seokjin, I failed Jimin as well.

I wish we never took the trip to even go to my parents' and I wish we never went to that park. Why weren't we looking and paying attention. Why did I have to go and get icecream. Why?

I promised to always keep him safe and protect him from any danger, I promised to look out for our son and always be there for him, I promised to never leave him. I broke our marriage vows, all of them! Without him here I'm practically nothing, life decreases in purpose. I need him more than ever now, what should I do Jinnie? I can't survive without you, it's too painful. I miss him so much. So, so much.

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To be continued. Thank u so much for reading.

Song recommendation: We are Young - Fun (most of ya'll know it but it's still nice to have in your playlist) if u already have it...here; Moral of the story - Ashe