Chasing Hearts (Completed)

Seventeenth

I woke up finding the space beside me empty. I wasn't surprised. With the way our conversation last night, I needed to expect the worst. I needed to prepare emotionally to what is about to happen.

Akala ko mainam talagang naka-set na ang utak ko na mawawala rin sya balang araw. Na baka sa gayon, hindi na ganoon kasakit. Pero iba pa rin pala kapag nasa sitwasyon na mismo. Masasaktan at masasaktan ka pala talaga.

Naligo kaagad ako. Hindi na ako nag abalang magluto pa dahil hindi ko rin naman maramdaman ang gutom. Hindi na rin naman kami sabay magtanghalian ni Wesley dahil kay Sandra na ako sumasabay. Hindi ko pa nga pala nasasabi sa kanyang alam na ni Sandra ang tungkol sa amin. O siguro ngang mas mabuting hindi nya alam.

I put on some make up to conceal the slight swelling of my eyes. Marahil ay sa pag iyak ko kagabi. Wearing an old rose pants partnered with an old rose blazer over a deep v-neck white sleeveless blouse and white wedge sandals, I went outside to wait for a taxi.

Before Wesley became a part of me, I was used to do things alone-- eating alone, watching tv alone, cooking alone, sleeping alone and of course, going to the office alone. Ngayon, ibang iba na. Doing such things alone aches my heart. Maybe Wesley's gradually making me get used to his absence. Maybe he's preparing me because he's about to leave me.

Maaga akong nakarating sa opisina. Si Kevin palang ang naabutan ko pagpasok ko. Nagkakape sya at para bang gulat na gulat pa syang nakita ako. I genuinely smiled at him. He did not smile but his eyes stayed a little longer, maybe half a minute before he focused on his coffee again.

I walked to my cubicle and opened my laptop. Isang gabi lang ang lumipas pero napakarami na agad naipon na emails at hangout chats. Mostly ay gustong malaman ang available schedule ni Sir Drie at Wesley.

I answered and replied to the queries one by one. Mabuti at maaga pa kaya alam kong mamaya pa ang reply ng mga ito. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagsagot nang may nagbaba ng isang tasang kape sa table ko.

I looked up to find Kevin standing beside me.

"Coffee?" He asked, unsure.

Amazed by his action, I eagerly nodded and smiled.

"Thank you." I said and he looked relieved. Naupo sya sa katabi kong upuan.

"Are you okay?" He asked. Saglit na kumunot ang noo ko bago tumango.

"Yes. Of course. Bakit mo natanong?"

"Wala naman." Umiling sya. "I just thought you're sad."

"Naku, hindi naman. Okay lang ako. Ikaw? Kumusta?"

"Missed you." He seriously said and my lips parted at his straightforwardness. He chuckled a bit and shook his head. "Balik na ako."

Thoughts about Kevin occupied me while I was doing my work. Why is this world so unfair? Kevin never denied his feelings for me. He's been consistent ever since. I have repeatedly rejected him but he never forgets. Sandra's always telling me how worried Kevin is about me at times. I appreciate him so much but I cannot just welcome his feelings. I hate to give false hopes.

On the other perspective, I am like Kevin--loving someone who cannot reciprocate the feelings. Nagkataon lang na napagbigyan ako ni Wesley kahit masakit. I would rather be the one hurt, than be the one to cause it.

I remembered my dad. He was the one who instilled this virtue in me. I have learned that he was from a heartbreak before he met my mom. Because of his trust issues before, nasaktan nya ang mommy. Ang dami nyang nagawa at nasabi na nakasakit dito.  Although he managed to make my mom stay, he was unlucky enough to erase all the pains he gave mom that it took him lots of efforts to bring back the trust he ruined.