Snape's New Flower

Expecto Patronum

That night, Severus made up his mind on which spell we would teach me, and the two of us walked to a local deserted mill to practise it.

"Expecto Patronum." He uttered when we arrived.

I had asked him to teach me to defend myself, but I half expected him to teach me a jinx or hex, not an actual defensive spell. This was the one I was supposed to learn in my seventh year, had Defense Against the Dark Arts not been replaced with the Dark Arts themselves. But, even seventh years had trouble casting it, and being almost a year behind in my studies, I didn't expect I would be one of the few to succeed.

"Maybe we can start with something easier?" I asked him, a lump forming in my throat.

He shook his head and said in his strict classroom voice, "if you learn to cast this, other spells will follow with ease." When I remained uneasy at the idea, he continued, "It will take some practice, but it's not about skill or even power. This charm requires focus."

"Focus? On what?"

"A happy memory. The most powerful one you can think of," he said, stepping behind me now. "That is what will protect you."

I nodded, but nothing he said was helping my nerves. This was a man I had just began seeing, after all. I still felt the pressure of a new relationship and didn't want to let this whole experience be an embarrassment. I wanted Snape to think highly of me. Being younger left me with something to prove. I didn't want him to think me weak.

His body wrapped around mine, his hands finding their way to my wand, helping guide it. "Expecto Patronum," he said slowly, demonstrating the hand movements. "Now you try."

His hand retreated to my shoulder reassuringly, and I gave the spell a try. "Expecto Patronum," I said, my voice wavering.

Nothing happened. My hand dropped to my side, but he lifted it back up, "again."

I listened, but I wanted nothing more than to stop. I never should have asked him to teach me, that was a recipe for disaster. He wasn't my professor anymore, and this dynamic felt all wrong. It didn't help that his body was pressed against mine, how could I be expected to focus like this?

But alas, I tried. And tried again. I thought of a few different memories, from coming to Hogwarts, to meeting my friends, to defeating Voldemort. But it wasn't enough, I suppose.

Severus gave a pointer here and there, but we left an hour later without making any progress.

He caught my distress and tried to comfort me, "we'll try again. You'll get it."

I forced a smile, more out of gratitude than anything else. He tried, even though he did set me up for failure by choosing a spell beyond my reach. But at the end of the day, it wasn't his fault I couldn't produce a Patronus Charm. That blame was mine entirely.

Maybe I was weak after all.

On the scenic walk we took back to his house, he asked what memory I was using.

"Memories of Hogwarts, mostly."

"Your concentration was good, and wand movements correct. That leads me to believe it's your memory that is holding you back. It is not strong enough."

"Oh," I said, unsure how to remedy that. I felt better in a way, knowing I had accomplished the other aspects of the spell, but how does one get a better memory? If I set out to make a new one, chances are the lack of sincerity will make it unusable. I had to use what I had, and those were the happiest moments in my life.

We approached his doorsteps, kissed goodbye, and I went back to Hogwarts for the last night this week. Tomorrow would be my first day staying at Sev's. Er- sober that is.

After greeting my friends and filling them in on what I was up to, glad to be free to talk openly about it now, we went to the library. I found a book on spells and searched for more information on the Patronus Charm while they skimmed potion textbooks and chatted.

"Do you think Snape wants to give us extra lessons too?" Fiona asked, giggling.

I rolled my eyes, "that depends, do you want to go on a date with him?"

Amy cringed, while Fiona pretended to contemplate it first, "if that will get me the grades I need to become a journalist, I'd be down."

I laughed, confident in the fact Severus' tutoring sessions were a privilege only granted to me. "maybe I can teach you a thing or two. After I master the Patronus Charm, that is."

The two of them got to work, and I returned to my book on advanced spells.

Aha, found it.

The book stated that the charm had two forms, one being a force field, and a stronger one taking on the shape of an animal. It also said that to conjure one, you have to find happiness inside of you, no matter what kind of enemy you were facing. If I couldn't successfully cast the spell on my own, I couldn't imagine doing it while under attack.

I read everything I could on the subject from that book, and two others, before heading to bed. I couldn't sleep, I instead dug through my memories to find one that would be powerful enough to cast a Patronus. I eventually thought of a few, but still wasn't sure if they would do, they couldn't compare to the ones I had already tried.

But then I found one that filled me to the brim with emotions.

It was one of the few days I had spent with my parents. Both of them, together. They had ceased their fighting, their neglect, and the three of us went to an arcade. That is, a muggle place full of video games.

My father said it was the same arcade he spent his childhood years, and had even brought my mom there a few times while they were dating. My mom smiled as he mentioned their early years. From what I know, they were good ones. It wasn't until after I was born that the fighting commenced.

But that day, the three of us got along. I blew through so many coins it was unbelievable, and at the end, I traded them in for a white teddy bear which must have been worth a small portion of what I spent in coins. But it had a red bow, and I remember it as being ginormous, so at that age I felt as if I won the lottery. If I stood beside it now, it couldn't have been taller than my knees. I wondered where it went, these last few summers that I spent at home, I hadn't seen it. That must have been why I forgot this memory. Until now.

I fell asleep to the image of my dad and I competing in a racing game while my mom stood behind us, cheering for no particular winner. It filled me with a blissful sort of happiness, and I thought, "this is it, the strongest memory I have."