~Anxiety~Christian Akridge AKA Christian Leave (fanfict)

Chapter 12

****Note:  If you read the description of this story it says that there are some parts in this story that may urgue you to do something you shouldnt.  By that I meant something suicidal.  I am just going to warn you in this chapter, something does happen along those lines so please read at your own risk*******

My alarm clock buzzes loudly and obnoxiously at 5 a.m. in the morning signalling that its time for me to wake up.  "Shoot me," I mummer while standing up out of bed.  I basically crawl into the bathroom to wash my face and get ready for the day.  I splash my face with freezing cold water, and that doesn't even wake me up.  I sluggishly crawl back into my room to finish getting ready.  I take especially long because I accidentally put lip liner on my eyes.  Opps.  

By the time I finish curling my hair and examine myself in the mirror I am more woken up.  I hate what I see today.  I look something like a heroin addict that has just woken up on the streets.  I look like a hobo.  I showered last night and I don't even look clean.  My hair looks messy, my face looks dry, and these jeans make my thighs look super big, but they are my only clean ones.  I put on another layer of makeup to hid my dry skin and try to tame my messy hair with some dry shampoo.  I check myself in the mirror again.  My hair is ok now I guess but the makeup and the jeans will drive me insane all day.  I can't control those though, and I know that.  

I can't even think about eating breakfast right now while looking at my thighs.  Why can't I be like everyone else? Why are my hips so wide and why do I have thunder thighs?  I cant even answer my own questions.  I still have 10 minutes until I have to go get the bus for school so I just sit on my bed and go on my phone and a message from Christian pops up. 

Christian:  Have a good day beautiful

Kayla: Aww you too<3 

I start thinking about Christian for a second.  He has posted two pictures of me on Instagram, which I have been thinking about getting that app for a long time now.  I go into the app store and reluctantly download the app and make an account.  The first person I follow is Christian and then my brothers and then a few people from my school, including Casey.  I look at the time, oh shoot I am ganna miss my bus! I run out the door and slam it behind me, the bus is already at my stop.  I sprint as fast as I can and just make it on before the bus pulls away.  

I throw myself down on the seat in front of two boys that are older then my that live in the neighborhood next to mine.  "That's the most running I have ever seen her do," one of them whispers to the other.  I twist my head around and he looks at me and starts laughing.  "Probably the only running she's ever done," he adds making sure I hear it.  

I try so hard to ignore his comment but it is impossible.  I used to be so athletic but I had to quit field hockey because of my social anxiety, I though (and still think) I was too fat to play sports.  The entire day I think about that boys comment.  At lunch, I just throw away my brown paper bag without even looking inside.  I need to tell someone.  I find Casey's table, my old table too, but I usually don't eat in the cafeteria. 

"C-Casey," I lightly tap her arm.  She spins her head around beaming, but when she sees it me, her smiles fades.  "I thought you were mad at me,"

"I need to tell you something," I speak slowly but I try to make it seem like its really important.  She slides over to let me sit, "What?"

Why did I even com here in the first place?  Casey doesn't care, she doesn't need to know all about my problems.  I just really need someone to talk to right now.  

"Are people talking about me, about my body?"  I force myself to ask.   "No why?" she wrinkles her forehead.  "A kid on my bus this morning said 'she probably never runs' when I had to run out to get my bus,"  I spit out.  "O-oh," she simply answers.  "I haven't stopped thinking about it all day, people are starring at me, what do I do?" I beg.  "Calm down, calm down, they probably weren't staring at you, Kayla, and this kid that said that, is an idiot that was just trying to make people laugh, just ignore it,"  she just shakes off my panic, "You'll be fine," she shakes her head.  

When I get home from school, I am still thinking about what that boy said.  I wonder if he knows how much I was thinking about it.  If he did know, I wonder if he would take it back.  

I sit on the edge of my bed, hugging my knees to my chest, rocking back and fourth.  I cant even organize my own thoughts and feels.  I cant even feel anything, my body feels numb.  I hate myself, I hate being different, I hate my life, I hate everything about me.  I need to feel something.  I can't sit like this.  

I stand up and sit down at my desk and dig through the drawers.  Finally I find what I have been looking for.  A pencil sharpener that I used to use when I was younger.  Something.  I need to feel something.   I repeat millions of times in my head while taking apart the pencil sharpener.   I lay the razor blade flat down in my palm.  

I need to feel something.

I need to feel something.

I need to feel something.

I need to feel something. 

The words replay in my head.  I delicately pick up the razor with my finger and pull up my sleeve,  revealing my skin.  I position the blade parallel to my flesh.

"That's the most running I have ever seen her do,"

"Probably the only running she's ever done,"

I dig the blade into my skin a pathway of blood immediately follows behind.  I let out a weep and repeat it 4 more times.

 Five red lines sit next to each other on my arm.  Blood drips off my arm but I'm in too much shock to care.