~Anxiety~Christian Akridge AKA Christian Leave (fanfict)

Chapter 18

It's been one week. One week since I looked at Instagram that night and saw the comments about me on Christians post. I didn't tell anyone how much they hurt me and that I cut myself. Ive added more cute so there are more red lines going down my arm. Now I have to go back to school and I am pretty sure all the girls at my school know about Christian and I. Luckily since it's winter here, my long-sleeve shirt covers the cuts on my wrist but I put some foundation over it just in case. I also add some blankets incase I have to pull up my sleeves. Lately, when I look in the mirror, I don't see anything I like about myself. Those comments brainwashed me and I know they are true. As I finish my everyday examination, I try to fix everything I can. I change into pants that make me look skinnier, I fix my makeup and hair a few times. Nothing works. Nothing ever will make me beautiful, even the 6 layers of foundation I hide under. I skip breakfast and "forget" my lunch and get the bus.
I sit quietly in the middle of the bus listening to music. Suddenly, I feel someone plop down into the seat next to me. It's a Amanda Carpenter, another popular girl in my school. "Hey, Kayla, I saw the picture Christian Leave posted last week, how could someone as popular as him actually want to kiss you?" She teases.
Good question!
The answer is I have no fucking idea why anyone likes me. I don't even like me!

Instead of responding I decide to ignore her and hopefully she'll go away. BUT SHE DOESNT.
"What's wrong? Did I offend you?" She makes a puppy dog face and I turn away and look out the window. "Jealous much, Amanda?" I mumble. She laughs, "you think I am jealous of you? Your an ugly piece of shit, why would I want to be you?"
I feel a pain that feels like a knife cutting through my stomach. I wish there was actually. I turn my music up loader and look out the window. She says something but I ignore her. I am actually relieved when the bus ride is over. I go to my locker and sit in homeroom until first period starts. I try so hard to pay attention but it's so hard when Amanda is sitting across the room glaring at me.
She walks by my desk and drops a note discreetly. I don't know if I should open it. I decide not to, whatever it says will only make me feel worse. The whole school day I had trouble paying attention. Amanda's words keep flashing back into my head
Your an ugly piece of shit.
As if she thinks I don't already know.
When the school day is over, Amanda thankfully ignores me on the bus. When I get home, my mom greets me in the kitchen. "hey how was your day?" She gives me a hug. "Good," I reply. "Good! Your father and I are going out to dinner tonight so you'll be home alone from 7-10, your brothers will be here thought,"
"Okay," I reply and go upstairs to start my homework. The note that Amanda passed me this morning is sill in my binder. I carefully and shakily, unfold the page.
Kill yourself.
I knew I shouldn't have opened it. I rip it up into hundreds of tiny pieces and throw them into the trash. I start breathing heavier. My pulse gets faster. I quickly lock ,y bedroom door and dig thought my desk to find a blade. I've gotten good at this. I slide the blade on my wrist just like every other time. Drops of blood make a puddle on the floor. I put the blade away and go into the bathroom and sit on the toilet. Blood continues to collect and drip onto the floor. I can't feel anything. I can't move.
After sitting for a half an hour I get up and clean up the puddles of blood and cover my scars and get back to homework.
It's going to happen tonight. My parents won't be home. I don't want to live in this life anymore. I can't. There's no point in doing my homework if I won't go to school tomorrow. I pack up all my stuff so my parents don't have to later. I also clean up my room so it's easier to go through later.
Now I wait.
When the time is 7 o'clock. I say good bye to my parents. Not just until 10, but for the rest of our lives. I fight tears knowing that I will never get to tell them what was going on. When the door closes behind them, I stay there for a minute. Do I really want to do this?
The answer is yes. I need too. I don't like me, no one likes me. I decide that I would write a suicide note, so there's no rumors.
Dear family and friends,
If your reading this I assume you found me. I'm sorry I had to go like this, without saying goodbye. Although I never loved my life, there are a few people I need to thank for being part of it. First, my parents. I know we fight a lot but you are my biggest supports and you love me very much, and I love you too. I know how much it my pain you, to never see me graduate, and burry your daughter. I am so sorry you have to live like that. Next, I need to thank Christian. When I met you, you made me feel beautiful and that's not something I feel enough. I am so happy we found each other again in New York. You're the one person that has ever made me feel beautiful in my lifetime. I can't thank you enough for that. You're probably wondering why I did kill myself then. This is why. It's no surprise that I have a low self esteem. It hurts even more when someone else calls you ugly and fat, and yes many people have. If you can take anything away from this people know that words do hurt and they have the power to take someone's life. Including mine.
-Kayla
*****
Yay I finally updated!!! Happy new year by the way!!