~Anxiety~Christian Akridge AKA Christian Leave (fanfict)

Chapter 1

I sit in front of my best friend as she hands me a chunky envelope for my birthday. "For you," she says with a smirk. I return the smile and say "thanks for actually remembering!" As I delicately slide my fingers alongs the opening of the envelope. I pull out a cheesy card that Casey got for me. I can feel the card is thick, there's probably a gift card or something it in. I open the card and start reading,
Dear Kayla,
Hoping you have the best birthday ever! I also hope you like your gift, I'm hoping you will take me with you!
Xoxo
-Casey

My fingers slowly turn over the piece of paper that she put into the card. The second I read the words my heart stops and I feel my lungs stop working.
She got me meet and greet tickets to meet Christian Leave.
My heart didn't stop due to excitement, it stopped due to fear. Worry.
I have loved Christian Leave for the longest time and I have seen all his vines. The fears and worries come from my anxiety. Social Anxiety. A year back I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. My problems keep me from attending many social events such as the mall, concerts, and sometimes, school. It's the fear that people are judging me. That people don't like me. I have also been diagnosed with OCD, depression, and an eating disorder. Not that cute little OCD when you can't stand it with someone chews with their mouth open. My OCD doesn't let me leave my house until my outfit is on point, my makeup is on point. And my hair is on point. I take a lot of care in my appearance. My eating disorder. The explanation is easy. I never was able to live up to my person standard regarding my weight. My solution to this is to starve myself. Depression. Knowing that I will never be a beauty queen or a model depresses me. I have come to conclusion that I will just never be skinny or beautiful. And that's how I have been living for the past year.
Anyways back to my birthday present. I hold the tickets in my hand, shaking a bit. "Oh-oh my gosh Casey" I stutter. "ARENT YOU EXCITED!?!" She practically yells. "Y-yeah!" I try to sound enthusiastic, but fail. "and of course I will take you" I smile and give her a hug.
This is going to be ok. I'm going to meet Christian and I will have fun and like it. I tell myself.
I look down at the ticket. There's a small date printed on it that says January 8th. Thats in 2 weeks. I have 2 weeks to prepare myself for this.
"Thank you so much," I tell Casey. "It's no problem. I am so happy you like it" she nudges me.
Casey leaves my house to go home and I get ready for bed. I wash the makeup off my face, and brush my teeth. I look at my face in the mirror with no makeup. Why can't I be pretty? Why does my smile have to be weird? Why do I get acne? Why is my nose so big? Why am I so curvy? Why? I finish brushing my teeth and lay down in bed.
I think about this whole meet and greet. There will be tons of other girls there. They will be skinny, Christian will give them piggy-back rides and hold them bridal style. And then there will be me, the one that is too heavy to be held. To ugly to get any attention or be remembered my Christian after its all over.
I feel my breath get heavy and hot tears roll down my cheeks.
Another night where I have to cry myself to sleep.