Wanting Her

Chapter 38

-HER-

His eyes held longing, guilt and shame, his lips is thinned in firm lines and his muscles jaw is ticked. His jaw stubbles of days worth and I have the urged to run my fingers there. I cursed inwardly and My hands are fisted my hands to stop myself from reaching him.

He looks like a mess but he's always manage to look perfect to me.

His demeanor looks cautious before me yet he stands still in his place. He wears him usual clothes of black t-shirt, jeans and his ankle boots. His throats works up and down and I hate that my eyes is following the movement instead of meeting his eyes. I blinked and looked up to see him staring at me.

I feel the tingling sensation started at my toes, travels to my whole body. It's always like this with him. My stomach flipped in motion and I force myself to stay in control. "What are you doing here?" I'm satisfied when it comes out clear and... strong.

He is silence for a moment but his eyes speaks too much. His throats works again, contemplating the words he wants to say to me. He stares at me and for the first time I feel naked in my life. I feel naked when I'm fully clothed. He looks at me like he can pass through all of my whirling emotions and breaks down my walls. I intend to keep my guards high because I won't let him anymore.

After a moment of staring contest, I turn around. I don't feel like I can win with the intensity of his eyes did to me and my betrayed body. I don't want to lose so I back away before I can't stop myself. I pray to the sky that he won't stop me.

As I turn around, his words stops me. "I'm sorry." His voice raspy and raw with emotions and I can feel it deep in my bones and straight to my core. I turn to face him but as his hands try to reach me I move a steps back and flinched, as if on reflex.

I look up and see the expression of him, he looks surprise, thorn. My  gut clenched at the thought of hurting him. But I don't want to fall into the temptation and put myself in the line anymore. I have to steel myself so I won't hurt anymore.

Where did this goes wrong? I don't know what he thinks of me. Am I just someone that he keep for when he was bored? Am I not that important that he keep as a plaything?

I gave everything to him. I pour all my feelings to him but he never thinks it is enough. He throws it away and stomps me. Leaving me crumpled on the ground.

I pursed my lips and almost winced as the feeling of ashamed clouded me. I feel embarrassed that it is only me that cared, that what has happened between us is one-sided.

I'm delusional thinking that he cares for me. That he wanted to be together but it was all a fake dream taking part in my illusion. And it backfired like an explosive bombs.

"Please, I can explain." Ethan said trying to reach me again. There's too much in his eyes that I can't fathom. He's letting me see him but my inside is forcing me to back away. Back away so I have no regrets, back away so this hurt can actually go away.

The wind pass through us in a rush of gushing winds and I shiver slightly. I don't know if the shiver is from him or the wind. But I hope the latter. The sky has started to darken indicating that rain is one drop away from falling to the ground. The weather saddens me further.

"What, Ethan. What will you be explaining? I don't want to be on my tiptoes around you and I swear I won't force you to tell me anything anymore because it's over." I sucked in a breath and strong my voice. "I know now that I'm not important so you can just- just go, Ethan." I whisper at the end.

Exhaustion and emotions are battling in me. Battling to conquer my self conscious. Exhaustion flooded me with today's events and flashes of everything for the past weeks of his disappearance stood before me. Emotions washes me like I've been splashed with cold waters. Sadness, helpless, betrayal and hopeless with everything.

But, my emotions wins because the words vomits before I can stop it.

"You don't get to this to me, Ethan. I swear I don't want to push you to tell me anything. But I really care for you. I have never care for anyone until you. I want you to feel comfortable in telling me everything but all you have been doing is push me away." I stop talking. "You know what, I don't care anymore. Do what you want. You can find other person that you feel comfortable with."

The pitter patter of the rain can be heard as it fall on my roof. I don't want him to be sick because of the rain. Did he come here by car or his motorbike? Damn, this care. I want to feel anger but why do feel like I want to cry? Why am I feeling weak when I want to appear strong and unaffected?

The tears are already brimming in my eyes, threatening to spill like the rain yet don't want to give him the satisfaction of how I reacted. I gulped the lump away and I turn to fetch the keys but he was quick to turn me around. His hands hold my elbows like I'm his last oxygen in the earth. His eyes, his hold is desperate as he regards me.

"Lana, please, I swear I don't mean this to happen. It's just I'm- "

I cut him off. "I called you! I go to your house! You were nowhere. Do you know how worried I am! Do you know how sick I feel everytime I receive no answers from you. You ghosted on me like I'm nothing Ethan. I just want to understand you better. I just want you to let me in." I was shouting in front of my doorstep and right now I don't care if anyone thinks I'm crazy. My defense broke and I chocked on a sob.

This time I don't stop my tears. I can feel my cheeks wet from it. The view of him is a blurred but I can feel his gentle touch as he slowly hold my hands. I hate that he is so warm and comforting. I close my eyes and let the tears spills away so I can clear my vision. The sight before me broke me.

"Please, baby. Let me explain." I don't know if it's my imagination but his eyes was glassy with unshed tears. His face scrunched up in torture as he is trying to make this work. But my mind has made up.

I shake my head and pull myself away from him. I go inside and lock the doors before I dragged myself down and cry. My hands muffled the chocked sobs as I cry hard on the floor. I clenched my other hands on my chest to stop the pain. I curled myself like a fetus and continue to cry.

I cry for what happened to us. I cry for what happened to him. I cry for the decision I've made.

As I cry, I can't stop the question in my loud head. Am I selfish to do this to him? Am I wrong for not giving him the chance? Is it wrong that I don't want to feel hurt anymore?

I guess he had the chance but he let it go and I'm not willing to put myself in the verge of drowning again.

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p/s: 😭😭😭