Wanting Her

Chapter 42

-HIM-

I let myself calm in her loving embrace that never fails to exudes clarity, softness and warmth. I feel heady whenever I'm with her, the feelings are too overwhelming sometimes I feel like I might passed out. Or puke. But in the good way.

I let my mind succumbed to the realization that she cried for me. This girl has cried for me. This girl cried for me like I'm someone important and significant to cried for. This girl has let me hurt her and come back to me with open arms. This girl is everything that I want and need and more. I feel safe with her. I feel content with her. I feel everything with her.

The softness of her pressed against my hard one feels heaven. I strokes her back for a moment and pull myself back to look at her. Even with her eyes and nose are red, her face flushes with pinkness, her beauty never fails to draw the breathe from me.

She's so beautiful inside and out.

I lift my hands and caress her soft cheeks and her forest green eyes stares at me with something akin to something I don't understand yet. Is it fond? longing? But whatever it is has spiked the inner beat in me. The feeling of protectiveness and satisfaction fills the caveman and I want to roar with satisfaction.

I'm surprised when she cried earlier. Her sobs and tears was everything that I hate to see yet respect and fondness towards her mounted as high as the space above. I've never had someone to really understand until her. Someone had never tried to understand me like she did.

"Why are you crying?" I had to ask eventhough it sounds stupid.

She don't hesitate one bit but jerked back with the question. "I don't cry for who you are now." Her voice was sharp and I sense that she thinks that I'm offending her with the question. She cupped my face in her soft warm palms. Her eyes trail my face before settling in my eyes. "I cry for the boy who felt helpless before. I cry for the boy that blame himself for what he did nothing wrong. I cry for the boy that is nothing but braveness in him. I cry for the boy that is strong enough to protect his mother. I cry for everything that happened to him. And I'm proud that he survive until this day."

I am speechless and at the moment I don't know what to say. I feel my eyes watered but didn't care if she sees it. I don't care anything anymore. Everything didn't matter except her. Her words soothe the scars deep within me like balm on the wounds.

"I'm proud for everything that you are now, Ethan. It's not your fault. Your mother loves you too much and she wouldn't want you to blame yourself. I know it's hard to let go and even harder to forget. But I want you to know, for how much long, I will be here to catch you. I will always be here when you need me."

She pressed her plump lips to mine and everything falls back to place. She kissed me so sweetly and it's everything to me. She expresses her feelings through this kiss. The sadness, proudness and everything that I can feel until we're both crying with this kiss. The saltiness of our tears combined with the sweetness of hers feels perfect.

She's perfect for me.

We pull back and smile. "Thank you so much for letting me have this piece of you. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I want to say that I'm sorry for everything that I've done to you. It's very bitchy of me and you can punish me. Just this once." Her index fingers signaled no 1.

I want to bite that finger.

I laugh and hug her so tight she started struggling in my arms. "I'd rather punish you with pleasuring you." I bit her earlobes and lick the hurts away.

Her breath hitches. I continue. I look at her in the eye and pull her hands and kiss her palms. "I'm sorry, I took too much time telling you this. I want you to know everything there is to know about me but I don't know what's wrong with me. I just like that you don't know that about me because I don't want you feel pressured because of it. Thank you for being brave by listening to this." I kiss her wrist. "Thank you for being understanding." I kiss her neck. "Thank you for being so attentive." I kiss her cheek. "Thank you for just being you." I kiss her lips.

"No more secrets after this?"

I shake my head no and pressed my forehead to hers. She feels so perfect in my arms.

"Can I ask you a question?" I nod my head, and hating the fact that she feels the need for my permission before asking.

"You can ask me anything baby." I kiss her lips one more time because I just can't help it. Going through weeks without meeting her and touching her makes me crave her like a maniac. Guilt surfaces but I push it back down.

"You might not like this. What about— what about your— your dad?" She plays with her fingers not meeting my eyes.

I lift her chin so she had no choice but to look at me. I smile. "My dad has been trying to connect with me but I don't think I can. Not right now, maybe one day. I hope so."

"Really?" Her eyes shines with gleam I want to swim in it forever.

"Yeah, now that I have you, I think I can handle anything."

She scrunched her cute nose, I want to kiss it away. "That sounds so corny." But her giggles betrays her reaction. She loves me being corny with her.

Her fingers trace my lips down my jaw, "What about your brother?"

I tightened my hold on her, and sighs, "I don't know, he also has been reaching out to me but I don't know. It's hard to let someone in when they leave when I needed them the most. I needed them at that time and now I just learn how to live with myself. I learn how to cope with everything and I don't need them anymore. I don't want to need them."

She doesn't interrupt just listening. "After they left, no one. Not one has reached out to me. I don't have anyone at that time. I am still a teenager and one day, my dad sent me a letter and a key house. At first I ignored it, but I get anxious, unsafe and nightmares in this house, I realized I need to get out. That was how I live where I now. The nightmare never go away because it's still in my damn head. He's always trying to give me everything. He knows I don't want to meet him so he left it at the house and after long I cave and use everything he gave to me. I feel like I'm ungrateful but thinks that he deserves it for what happened. I blame him and my brother, to feel good. But it doesn't because deep down. I just blame myself."

She shrugs it off with so much coolness I fell deeper for her. "It's okay, I understand. Until you're sure you can decide. How about now? Do the nightmares still come?"

Her eyes fills with so much concern I want to kiss her with gratefulness. "It's lesser now. I know it won't go away but I manage."

Silence binged and the air prickled with tension between us. The tension is always there between us but I delved in it and just taking my time staring of the beauty before me. She's a vision of aesthetic and ecstasy all in one. I know now. I know that I'm in love with her.

I'm in love with Lana Andrews.

"Lana?" She hummed her answer. "I love you."