Wanting Her

Chapter 40

-HER-

I feel like crap the next day and the day after.

I am an incredibly emotionally unstable bitch to say the least.

It has been 3 days since he came and the remaining days flew away with me pondering all of my action to him. About how his caribbean depth eyes held desperation in it. Desperate for me to hear him out. Desperate for me to stay? I don't know anymore. I'm ashamed to admit that my action yesterday was a low blow even for me. I don't even focused much in my class anymore. Each day passed in a blur.

I'm starting to second guessing my action.

But, when all of it waft in my already full mind, I have an itchy feet to be alone right away and I push him away. I guess I'm not that different from him when something overwhelms me. And anything subjected to Ethan, always overwhelmed me like I'm an ice ready to melt with his flaming heat.

I understand completely why he distanced himself from me. From anyone for that matter. He handles it in the way that he knows best which is take a step back and cave. Letting his past demons crowded his mind and control him. Cave until his senses comes to claim his place and rationalize all of the situation.

But this past few weeks have been... too much that I can't think straight. With the fact that Ethan walk away from me because I overheard his conversation. The fact that he don't trust me enough to explain or even show a glimpse of him. God knows, how much I've been aching to have even a tiny piece of him. I'd be grateful for eternity. The fact that Will and Em knows something but didn't bother to tell me. For fuck sake, I know it's not their story to tell but they can at least show some decency to just state that they know something that I don't know. I don't blame them. His story is way past before I moved here but it's just too much for me to process and I seriously need to be alone.  Then, he came like nothing had happened. Had readied himself to explain.

I was worried sick of him. No news. No calls. No messages. Not even a voicemail from him. Worst, no one even knows where he is. Even Will doesn't know.

I was worried that he might've caught himself in bad situation. No one he knows was there with him. I wasn't there with him if anything occurred. My stomach twisted in a painful way thinking that he might've hurt. I don't want anything bad to hurt him.

But you hurt him.

Shut up. I know what I did. I was wrong. I should've listen when I had the chance but I let it go and the shame is on me.

I don't mean to let him go. I act recklessly and unrealistic that I'm reeling with a swirling emotion everyday. That I was wrong too for making him feel cornered. In a way, I have pushed him. I was wrong that I didn't wait until he opened himself to me. Willingly and unforced and... ready.

I shot out of class and was ready to go back. On the way to my car, I let out a heavy sigh, almost hoping that with exhaling it all will dissolved like thin air. Almost. I know it will be an irritating nagging voice that will keep reminding me that it's there. Like an annoying mosquito at night that fly near your ear.

"Lana!" Em calls out.

My heart thudded because in an immature way, I've been avoiding her and Will at all cost. I don't have the courage to face them after I stormed out but now I have no way out because my body is turning before I can actually run faster to my car.

"Lay-" She looks hesitant but her eyes was certain. "Lay, I'm sorry for what happened. I know I should've told you but I don't know. I'm sorry." She looks at her feet.

She shouldn't have said sorry. I should've been more understanding. I take her hand and grasp tight. "It's okay. I'm sorry too. I don't blame you guys, really. It's just too much that day and I'm sorry that I stormed out like that. Such a bitch right?"

She looks up and looks surprised. "You're not mad? The  why are you avoiding us?" This girl never beats around the bushes.

"It's because I'm ashamed that I act that way. It's very immature of me." I'm the one who looks down this time.

"Lay, hey, I truly honestly understand if you act the way you did. If it was me, I would've smacked the life of the person. It's okay." She winds her arm on my forearms and lead us to the parking.

I laughed, "No shit, you'll do that. You're one savage bitch, Em."

Suddenly, she stops walking and I stills my feet. "What, what's going on?" A look of shocked stamped her face. She didn't answer and I look to line of her sight.

Breath whooshed out of my body. The time stills and frozen. Shocked fills my being when I look to the subject of the current star of my day and night. Every seconds, minutes and hours. Leaning to my cars in all his 6 ft glory and his eyes has already pining me in my state.

Shit.

"Lay, he's back." She whispers for a dramatic effect.

I don't answer her and still looks at him. She walks and leave me few feet away from him and then dashes to her car. "Hi, Ethan. Bye, Lana." She left me cold-blooded here.

He straightened himself and walk to me. I panicked but my feet is glued to the ground. I waited for him to come but he stops just in front of me but enough distance that we're not touching.

"I need you to come with me." He says with such domination along with the husky and raspy of his voice. God, his voice. I miss hearing it. I miss him.

"Where?" I whispers. Jesus, I hate how I sound right now.

I have to crane my neck so that I can meet his eyes. I can't read him right now but I can spot, longing in them. His big beautiful hands lifted and he caressed my cheeks with such gentleness. Contrast to how rugged and wildness he possessed. His touch so gentle, it's like a feather on my skin and I almost sigh in pleasure.

"Please." He says and suddenly the feather light touch is gone.

I look up, and see that he's begging me with his eyes. His face is frowning like he was struggling inside and I have the urge to touch his brows to release the frown from marring his face.

"Okay." I said.

His face is void from smile but his eyes doesn't hide the joy and the light comes back like a blooming spring come to life. He speaks a lot with his eyes.

He walks first to his car and didn't bother to look back if I follow. Because I am.

I stop and he turns. "Ethan, what about my car?" I hate how distant we interact with each other now. Damn for what had happened.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow." He stated and climb up to his car.

I don't want to lie saying I'm not nervous with how the evening will go. I was nervous as hell and excited as fuck.

I take a deep breathe, "Here, goes nothing." And climb to the passenger side.