"daniel i know you really want another kid but i can't do it right now"
"i don't understand"
"Daniel i love you and yeah i would want another kid but Lily just turned 5 which means she has to go to kindergarten soon and i don't know where to take her or how to do it and i can't deal with a pregnancy too it's too much stress"
"you have me. i can help"
"you're never home it's not really helpful it's actually even more stressful. i definitely can't balance Lily going to school, a new pregnancy, and not knowing if my husband is coming home or staying at the studio... or cheating" i say whispering the cheating part to myself
"Babe i would never cheat on you"
"i know but still when you're not home and you tell me you're just going to sleep at the studio it sounds like you're with someone else. and that's what i mean i stress about it, and i stress about Lily and i stress about being a good mom and everything. i can't add another part to that"
"you can try"
"Daniel i AM trying. i'm trying my hardest with all of this. what are you trying to do? all you do is wake up go to the studio, sometimes come home eat dinner and go to bed cause you're so tired from the day. you could try sometimes to help me"
"you told me you were okay with it"
"of course i told you that if i said i didn't like it you would leave me. and i definitely can't add that onto my stress. if things were different and you were home for more than twelve hours a day i would be having ten more babies but sadly i don't have that. you're never home and when you are you're sleeping and it's too much for me so i'm sorry but we can't have another baby"
"but i want one"
"daniel you only want one cause you don't have to do anything for them you just come with me to the hospital, bring them home, deal with them for the first few nights and then you're right back at work and i do everything. if i wanted to be a single mom i wouldn't have gotten married and i would have adopted a baby."
"you're not a single mom"
"it feels like I am."
"i'm sorry i try my hardest"
"how do you try daniel how"
"i make us money"
"but do you make us happy. At the smallest mention of your name Lily gets sad. look i've been thinking about having another baby for a while because i know you want one. i almost say yes but then i think about how you aren't with us, and i realize I can't do it. not even when they would be born but during the pregnancy. what if i become sick from it and have to be on bedrest what would i do with Lily. even if you brought her to where you were going i'd be so alone. having a kid is hard and it's even harder when you don't have anyone helping you"
"i'm sorry i know i'm a bad dad and husband, i know i never help, i know i'm always working, but it's for us in the long run. you may not see it now but in the future you will. these past few months and year has been a lot, we wrote, produced, and recorded a bunch of songs. we had to choose which ones we liked the most, make music videos and all that. then we had to train and practice for tour. then it started and here we are so it's not like i'm doing nothing"
"you may be doing a lot for work but you can also be with us sometimes. i'm sure they didn't need you for all the songs."
"i'm very important to them"
"and you're very important to me, and your daughter. if you don't want to work harder at being home for me at least do it for Lily. shes 5, she needs her dad."
"and i need her too. it's not my fault i'm so busy that i can't spend every single last minute with you guys"
"i'm not asking you to spend every single minute with us, maybe at least an hour. you come home and 30 minutes later you're in bed. i'm trying to think about you and your situation but it seems like you're not even worrying about mine. i want another baby to make YOU happy, it wouldn't make me happy."
"then why are you with me. if you hate my job so much why are we still together"
"cause I love you Daniel. I stay with you cause i love you and i have hopes for things to be different. every night I wait and wish that you will come home and just tell me you're done with tour and all of this and you'll stay home with me and that you love me and need me. but you don't you never come home and you never tell me you love me or need me. you say it when i say it. think about how that makes me feel. you tell Lily you love her, what about me. you wait for me to say it first. i don't care if i'm being selfish right now but i just want you to be home and spend time with me. i need you Daniel but i don't think you need me" i start to breakdown and he hugs me
i cry into his shoulder and he rubs my back
"shh it's okay you don't have to cry. i do need you trust me. and i definitely love you, if i didnt i would be yelling and telling you to leave me. but i dont want you to leave me cause i do love you. i want you to be mine forever and i know i don't show it very well but it's hard. i have to work to make our life good and i understand that it's not right now and i'm so sorry for that. i will try harder to be better. after today we don't have anything else and i'll be able to stay with you guys. from now on i'll be the best husband ever and i will care for both of you guys because at the end of the day you guys are more important than anything else. i love you so much and i hate that you're crying right now."
"i love you daniel and i don't want to lose you. i already did before and it was awful. are you going to leave me because i don't want another baby yet."
"no i won't dont worry. now come on stop crying we have things to do"
"what things?"
"this was supposed to be our sex time but now it's going to be our kissing time" he smirks and i wipe my eyes
"i love you so much"
