Lover

Chapter 23: Lost

I arrive at James' apartment empty handed. I see he's in the kitchen looking through the fridge.

"Hey where'd you go?" He asks.

"To my apartment." I say setting my keys on the counter.

"You didn't bring more things?" He asks. I lift my empty hands with a smile. "What's wrong?" He asks.

"Can we talk?" I ask.

"Sure."

We go to the living room and I guess I should initiate this.

"Do you think we're moving too fast?"

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"With moving in. I mean James were not exactly playing house here and I don't want to rush it."

"You think I'm playing house?" He asks. "I don't take steps like these without thinking about them Katherine, I don't know if you do, but that's definitely not me."

"I just don't want to make another mistake."

"Another?" He asks. "What was the first?"

"James." I sigh. "Please."

"What was the first?"

"I don't know our marriage I guess." I breathlessly say.

"You think I'm a mistake?"

"No honey, I'm just scared. I get really excited about things without really thinking of the future part of it, that's all." I explain. As I do I feel like I sound like a horrible person.

"No I get it." He nods. "That's not really the life I had in mind."

"What?" He's picturing our lives together?

"I'm 28 Katherine, sometimes I forget how much younger you are to me, I want to build a life with you and I don't think this is what you had in mind for yourself at your age."

"I just think we should pump the breaks a little." I nervously say.

"If one of us isn't ready then maybe it's not our time."

"You don't think it's our time?" I ask.

"Do I feel like its too soon?" He asks. I nod in response and he shakes his head "I don't know, the thing about choosing to take a step like this is to try it out and find out."

"And what if it is?"

"Then we know we tried and there's no shame in it."

"Okay."

"So you don't want to move in together?" He asks.

"I just don't know why we need to rush." I point out. "You have a home, I have a home."

"You don't get it." He says shaking his head.

I open my mouth to talk, but I get a text from Nicky.

Nicky: can we talk?
Nicky: its 911

"I have to go." I say getting up.

"Where are you going?" He asks, holding my hand stopping me. "Katherine you can't go when we're talking about our future."

"Nick needs to talk to me, I have to go." I say. "I do want to talk with you but he said it's 911."

I rush over to Nicky's place knocking on his door anxiously.

He opens the door and I see Joey sitting on the couch as well.

"What is going on?" I ask walking inside.

"Hey Cub." Joey smiles, I look over at Nick and they both look nervous.

"Hi." I sit on a couch in front of him slowly. "What happened?"

"I, well we, found something." Joey starts.

"Something I should know?"

"Yeah." Nick drags. I furrow my eyebrows and watch as Joey reaches in a folder and pulls something out.

"Read this." He says as he hands me the paper.

I look at it and see it is my birth certificate.

"What about it?" I ask.

"Read it cub."

I look at the name, the hospital, the time, the date, my father's name, the mother's name everything looks-- that doesn't say Cheryl Bosa.

"Umm, what is this, what um what does it mean? Is this a joke? Are you guys messing with me?" I ask as my heart races.

"I'm sorry cubbie," Joey sighs.

"What does this mean?"

"Dad had an affair"

"No..no that not true."  I interrupt.

"It is Katherine. Dad had an affair a year after Nick was born." I listen quietly and nod. I bite the inside of my cheek and I find myself furrowing my eyebrows.

"Why wasn't I raised by her?" I ask as a tear runs down my face. "I, I was with her for years and she took that away from me, she took my mother away from me and for what? For her to treat me like shit and you guys like-like her sons." I start off strong but I end up in tears. "All those years I wondered what the hell I did wrong, what I was doing wrong and I was just- a reminder of her husband's infidelity." I bring my hands to my temple and shake my head.

"I'm sorry cub." Nick sighs. I look up and see they're both also crying. "We didn't want to tell you, but you deserved to know."

"How long have you two known?" I ask and they look at each other. "How long." I press.

"It's been a few years." Nick slowly says.

"A few years and you two didn't tell me shit?!" I ask as I stand up. "Years of the mental and physical abuse she put me through? And all you guys ever said was oh Katie she'll come around or oh Cub she loves you she just doesn't know how to show it. When in reality she just fucking hated me." I cry. "And it was never Katie, go to therapy, it was never mom calm down she didn't do anything wrong, it was never I did it mom punish me not her." I breathlessly say. "You watched me suffer and never said anything to me."

"Katie we love you, we just thought our mom would cha-"

"Your mother!" I correct.

I take a step back feeling dizzy. I bring a hand up to wipe my tears away.

"I can't." I start and stop "I can't even look at you guys." I leave the apartment and drive to James' place in tears. I'm surprised I made it back in one piece.

I stay parked in the car trying to compose myself.

I finally stop crying and head up. I see he's not in the kitchen or living room.

"Baby?" I call out.

"Up here." I hear him yell. I go up to the bedroom
"Hey." I say and freeze when I see the letter in his hand.

"What the hell is this?"

"Jimmy please can we not do this right now?" I tiredly beg. "Please just, I just need you to hold me." I ask, stepping towards him.

"No, why the fuck would you want it?" He asks as he waves it around. "Are you unhappy? Do I make you so unhappy you had to entertain the idea of what could have happened had you received this?" He asks.

"No James." I sigh trying to hold it together. "I wasn't thinking when I got it. I haven't even read it."

"But it's an option. That guy is an option."

"Do you even hear the shit you're saying?"

"Is he an option Katherine?"

"No!" I snap. "Of course he isn't, why would you even ask me that."

"Well the fact that you brought it into my home says a lot."

"I'm sorry I guess I'll just leave your home." I say turning around and leaving.

I get in my car and realize, I have nowhere to go.