After that day I was hopeful. The bleeding eventually stopped and k was still getting positive pregnancy tests. That meant alot, right? Wrong. I looked up anything and everything. I'd been wanting a baby since I was about 4. My Pinterest boards were overfilling with ideas and names. I already knew the swaddles, baby carriers, car seat, everything. I'm a planner. I planned for a boy and then in a separate place I planned for a girl. Everything was perfect and I talked to my baby every night. I had a dream of a tiny little baby boy smiling at me. Finally, I took a pregnancy test the next morning, one that has now dictated my life. A negative one. The worst thing for an expectant or ttc mother to see. I went to the doctor and she confirmed it, I had a miscarriage and lost my beautiful little baby. I didn't know what to say, how to act. I remember texting my best friend, saying the only thing I knew to say.
"Did you know that they call miscarriages spontaneous abortions"
I broke down. Multiple, multiple times that day. I breathe and think all the thoughts running through my head. The ones that hit me like floods everytime I tried to lay down or think. Was this my fault? Did my baby hate me? Did I even have the right to be sad? To grieve? Sometimes, those answers are still a little hard to think of.
I had been writing in a journal to my baby, maybe they could read it one day. Now, I write in my journal to keep track of how I feel and how I will remember my tiny baby.
YOU ARE READING
Missing Your Miscarriage
Non-FictionTW: This is the story of how I am coping with the loss of my beautiful Ellington Rae. I am sharing my story to spread awareness that this could happen to anyone, anywhere. I hope you take the time to read this and I hope I can help you find some pea...
