Missing Your Miscarriage

Chapter III -Ellington

I decided to remember my beautiful baby in more ways than one. First I decided to name my baby, something that every single parent gets to do for their child. I decided I wanted to do a gender neutral name but more leaning towards male, solely because of the dream. My best friend and I went through so many different names it's not even funny. From Bexley to Everest to Luca and everything possibly in between. When she texted me Ellington I immediately was drawn to it. Kingston is a name very close and dear to my family while the Ellis is the last name of my favorite actor. (Tom Ellis. If you don't know who he is go Google him. Now.) I also thought of my baby going my Eli or Ellie, depending on the gender. Or they could just got my El, which is the nickname I've decided on. Which I would never be able to know. I cried, once again, yes I am sensitive. I decided on the name Rae because of the name it meant for me. A fighter, survivor, and someone who never gives up. I hope that my baby loves his/her name just as much as I do. I also am getting a memorial box, to keep some of the items I bought for Ellington. The others will be donated to some of the new mothers in my town who are in need. I also want to get a necklace that says Ellington's name. The name and thought of my baby make me happy, even with the tragedy that has happened. El shows me my strength, the beauty of my body, and mostly something to live for. My baby was too perfect for this world and that means I will never get to do the things that some moms get to do. His first feeding, bath, pictures, not even his first cry. It is sad that it was torn away from me but now I get to share my story. To see if there are other moms out there like me. Not only a mom of an angel baby. Not only a teen mom. But both.
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The cover photo for this chapter is me. I technically was not far along enough to get my full baby belly but I still tracked the tiny, tiny growth that I had.