Symphony of Lilacs

53. Fall From Grace

"What did you want to tell us?" Isabelle asks; Henry stops pacing about my room. She sits on the chair next to my study table, tapping her fingers on it. Both of them are in their nightgowns like me, the pale white mourning against the candlelight.

Henry glances at me, while I keep looking at Forever a Vow in my lap. Her book. As if this book contains all the answers to my questions. As if it may know how to face the rising waves of a storm.

I run a hand through my hair, sitting at the edge of my bed. "I have to leave."

Henry folds his arms across his chest, while Isabelle says, "Where are you going? Mama and Papa didn't say anything about it..."

"They won't tell you that, at least not you Belle, I'm afraid. That's how they are," I sigh and Henry narrows his eyes. "To my hospital's hostel. I'll be staying there for some time."

"You are not making any sense, Matthew." Isabelle fidgets. "Why are you staying there when you live here?" She waves a hand at my room, or more likely Edenfield, the home of our ancestors. A home that stands longer and older than time itself for the Knightleys. But for now, only the darkness of the night permeates through the walls.

"I lived almost eight years at the hostel for Harrow. That doesn't bother me." I look at Henry's pointed silence, all too aware of the growing lines on our sister's forehead.

Isabelle opens her mouth again, but Henry shakes his head. "It's because of Father."

So they've noticed that as well.

Isabelle looks in between us. My gaze travels back to the book, putting it beside me. Night casts its shadows outside, their hollow growing greater and greater with each passing moment. The lamplights cast a dull glow with the curtains pulled out. I did not want to create a stage for anything perched on the trees outside.

Isabelle starts,
"But how is leaving going to solve-"

"I am not relocating permanently," I snap, cold seeps through my voice. My eyes open at the sudden chill as well.

Henry raises a brow. "And you think this... separation might assuage the situation?"

"I will be frank with you two." Using the four poster as support, I hurl myself up. Without my knowledge, my feet make way to our family crest hung on the left wall. Only a single clause runs through its cluster: Ambition and Loyalty above all.
"I do not know for certain if this shall work. But I am tired." A sigh releases from me, shoulders dropping. I open the top button of my dress shirt, as if the collar might bite my neck. "Tired of this enmity that has been going on forever and ever. Tired of him threatening me over every inconvenience I caused. And now I am nearly at my wit's end after Father's episode the night I was gone, how he dragged you two into the mud with me." I press a hand at the back of my neck, gaze first falling on my brother. The brother with uncanny resemblance to our father. And then at my own reflection in the mirror, at the reflection reminding me of our silent mother. Even though my eyebrows are downward, something tugs the muscles up with metal wires. Turning away, I rub my temples.

Ambition and Loyalty above all.

My words seem to be sinking into my siblings' bones. No retort comes from them. They become submerged with time, not knowing how to reply.

Crossing the short distance from my table, I walk to Isabelle and ruffle her hair. She does not respond even then. Henry does not roll his eyes even then. They do not say anything even when I paddle towards the door. My hand stops at the doorknob, brushing against the floral pattern engraved into it. "But this does not mean I've stopped being your brother. You two can write to me anytime you want. You know the hospital address; they will forward the letter to my room there." Pushing open the door, I do not wait for their replies. Instead I plunge into the halls' darkness.