An Agent's Story

Is This For Real

Two days had gone by, and Taylor hadn't called. I knew that she wouldn't call me, but a small part of me hoped that she would. Most of those two days were spent on my bed, silently crying or sleeping. Turns out that I wasn’t as tough as I thought I was. Diego stopped by every once in awhile to see how I was. Every time he came, I stopped crying, wiped away my tears and tried to make it seem like everything was okay. I guess he didn’t buy it because he came around almost every two hours rather than twice a day. I think that he worries too much for me.

One thing that preoccupied my mind was how I had been so blind. I mean, any other agent would have probably known that Charolette or Rob was the agent probably right after the explosion. It seemed like I wasn’t as sharp on undercover missions as I was on attacks. Then the realization hit me like a bullet. Diego was right. My feelings got in the way of my work. It was because I loved Taylor that she and I both got hurt. I wept even more when I realized that.

Maybe it was better that I never saw Taylor again. Maybe she was my kryptonite. Then I realized something else, something drastic, Taylor had changed me. She turned me into a sensitive, caring man from the almost stone cold agent I was. She had literally turned my world around. I wanted to thank her, to see her again, but then she would be hurting. It killed me inside not seeing her. Suddenly, a door slammed, interrupting my thoughts. I knew it was Diego, so I did my routine and sat up before he entered.

“Hey Ryan,” he started.

“Hey Diego,” I said through a fake smile.

“So, you feeling any different?” he asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Not really.”

“Ryan, honestly, tell me how you are feeling.”

“I told you, no different then when you came in here last time.”

“You know what I mean. Your feelings for Taylor.”

“Diego,” I sighed, “She was a part of a mission. She got hurt, but she’ll survive. I feel sorry for her.”

“Yes, you may feel that, but that doesn’t change the fact that you were in love with her. I know what it’s like to love someone you can’t have.”

“Don’t tell me you fell in love with someone from one of your missions,” I said, falling back onto my bed.

“No, nothing like that. I fell in love with Silvia.” He stated almost matter of factly.

“Silvia?” I questioned sitting up, “No way.”

“Yes way. But, after awhile, I knew that we couldn’t be together. I thought that she was the love of my life, but I know now that she is just another woman. But don’t tell her I said that.” I chuckled at the comment. “I know that you probably miss Taylor right now, and that you want to just be with here and run away together, but. . .” he couldn’t finish.

“It’s illogical,” I finished for him.

“Exactly, illogical. Ryan, believe when I say that you will get over Taylor. I mean look at me, I’m still the same agent I was before I fell in and out of love with Silvia.”

“But you aren’t,” I muttered.

“What did you say Ryan?”

“You’re not the same as me.” I stated more clearly, “You may have thought you loved Silvia, but if you don’t have a gaping hole in your heart right now, then you are lying to me. I know what I am experiencing. Trying to forget her is like trying to remember someone I’ve never met. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and has been engulfed by the flames in hell, then put back together and thrown in my chest! You think you know what I am going through! You have no idea.” I exploded on him. I dropped back onto the bed and pulled the covers over my head. “Just go away,” I muttered pained.