Accessory Wars

Chapter 16-Ki

            I didn't see much of Jay the next few weeks. I focused on my other friends, helping them get through finals week before they took off for a month. Derek occasionally texted me to give me an update on Jay but other than that, I had no contact. The weekend after finals, Derek invited me over to watch one of the annual winter tournaments. I'd never fully watched a tournament, just snippets on TV or the radio, but I figured it could be fun. I had the day off anyway.

I brought over chips and a couple kinds of salsa for us to snack on while Derek provided other various foods spread over their kitchen counter and stove. Jay lay curled up on the sofa when I arrived, dozing the morning away after a stressful week. Derek assured me he was back to normal and it looked like his word was true. Jay looked a lot better. I watched him sleep, leaning against the backside of the couch, as Derek worked on opening the salsa jars. Jay's glasses sat on the coffee table and one of his curls twitched when he exhaled.

I reached down and poked him on the shoulder, failing to hold back a smile. Jay twitched in his sleep and curled up tighter. I poked him again and his eyes cracked open. They shifted upwards, finding my blurry figure standing over him.

"Morning, sunshine," I greeted.

"Hey," Jay greeted. Then he squinted and his face fell. I guess he wasn't expecting to see me. He sat up, rubbed his eyes and reached around for his glasses. Once his fingers found them, he slipped them onto his face.

"Feeling better?" I asked. He picked at his pants, plaid cotton pajama bottoms more precisely, and mumbled something I didn't catch. I poked his shoulder again. "Hey. I'm sorry for yelling at you."

His head whipped up. "What?"

"I didn't realize how stressed you were and I was rude—"

"Stop!" Jay snapped. He tangled his fingers into his curls. "Stop. I'm the one who needs to be apologizing. God, I'm such a moron." He looked on the verge of tears. I put a hand on his head, making him jump, and I leaned down so we were eye level. Never thought I'd be saying that.

"It's okay. I know we don't act like ourselves when we're under duress. You can say whatever you need to say. I'm not going to judge."

He was silent for awhile. I think he was focusing on holding back tears. One of his fingers shifted and rested against mine. I felt a flicker of something. Gratitude. I put a little pressure against the finger.

"I'm sorry," Jay mewled. "I didn't want any of this to happen. I wanted to help. I just wanted to help."

"I know."

"I didn't mean what I said. I could barely think straight and...you were right to yell at me. I don't deserve you as a friend for everything I've done to you. I'm scared if I keep being around you, I'll do something terrible." He winced. "God, I almost broke you. I could have killed you."

"If you don't want me around, I can leave," I offered. His hands uncurled from his hair and curled into the fabric of his t-shirt. I removed my hand from his head.

"I can't."

I poked him again. "You need to use your words Jay."

His eyes turned up, meeting mine. The impossible blue was rimmed with pink. "I wake up at night seeing all the terrible things I did. All the ways I hurt people. I promised I wouldn't do it anymore but I did. I hurt you. I can't stand hurting you, Yeong, but every time I think about never seeing you again it feels like..."