Accessory Wars

Chapter 39-Ki

            The end of the week arrived and I said my goodbyes to my family. When my Gran gave Jay a hug, it I couldn't help snickering at the height difference. I was surprised when both my parents gave Jay a hug too. My dad even told him to come back and visit. I think Jay was as shocked as I was. My parents drove us to the airport and I waved at them as we headed to our terminal, our box of kkultarae safely clasped in my hands. Hopefully, Jay didn't eat them all on the flight.

By the time we got back home, I felt exhausted. I unpacked and tossed laundry into the washer, wondering what I felt in the mood for in terms of supper. My attention got diverted as a knock sounded on my door. I wandered over, thinking Jay forgot something, and opened it to indeed find Jay but he looked jittery. I ushered him inside and he kept shifting his weight between his feet.

"What's up?" I asked. Jay's eyes kept flitting around my apartment, his lips tight as he tried to sum up the courage to speak. I put a hand on his arm and I could feel him shaking. "Hey, what's wrong?" Jay's eyes shifted to mine and he blurted out something so fast I missed it. Literal word vomit. I blinked, giving him a blank stare. Jay dug his nails into the palms of his hands.

"Did you want to get dinner together?" he asked again. Not quite as fast but I still had a hard time deciphering what he said.

"Uh, sure. I was just thinking about that," I replied. "Should we do something sit down or just a sandwich? I don't really care either way." I'm not sure what answer Jay was looking for but I guess my answer wasn't it. He gave me this confused look before he composed himself.

"Right! Uh, sandwich is fine," he stammered. What was up with him? It was like he just found out he ate a jar of spiders.

"Why are you acting so weird?" I asked in a hushed tone, growing worried. We'd gone out for dinner together before so it wasn't like he needed to be nervous. Jay didn't answer me. "Jay?"

"Ki, I know we're just friends," Jay started. "But would you...would..." Jay's voice caught in his throat. He took a shuddering breath. "I don't want to be just friends. I told you before that I liked you and I do. I really do. I want to be more than that but I'm scared I'm going to fall into my old habits and hurt you. I'm scared I'm going to force you to leave me and I don't want that! I want you! Whenever you're gone, I feel anxious and out of touch with the world. You ground me in a way no one's ever done before. And after hearing what happened to you, I want to be there to ground you too."

All I managed to get out of my mouth was a faint, "What?". Jay took my hand from his arm and clasped it between both of his.

"Ki, I want to be in a relationship with you, if you'll have me. I want to be with you. I know you're scared. I know you're scared I'm going to leave you but I'm not. I'm always going to be right here. I told you yesterday I'm going to return the favor you granted me and I mean it. I'm going to give it back a hundred fold. I'm not the best of people and there are thousands of people better than me but I know you have some feelings for me. I feel it." His hands squeezed mine. "I feel it in the synergy we share. But if I'm wrong, then please tell me because I want this so bad and I don't want to hurt you but I know I'm going to hurt you...God, I'm scared of hurting you but I already have. I know I'm going to but I'm going to try until I collapse to be the person right for you. The person you deserve.

"You're amazing, Ki. You're smart, you're beautiful and I know you turn yourself away from thinking you deserve to be happy but you do. You told me we do. I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to see that smile you give me whenever you catch me staring from across the room." One of his hands moved to the side of my face. His thumb brushed my cheek. For some reason it was wet. "I like you, Ki. I want to learn to love, to give love and to feel loved. Most of all, I want to fall in love with you."