Accessory Wars

Chapter 41-Felisa

            I went to class with a migraine and the feeling someone punched a hole in my chest. A pair of girls whispered when I passed by and I ended up cutting out of my last class early. I couldn't take the pressure of people looking at me anymore. I headed home and curled up on my bed. I had been feeling good for so long that falling back into my negative state of mind felt like drowning. I don't think going from a stressful week filled with finals to a spring break filled with hours upon hours of training helped either. I never got a true break but I also couldn't slow down. Tournaments were a part of my life now. I needed to adapt. I needed to do better.

Realizing my mind was headed into a dark place, I grabbed my purse and gym bag. I needed to get out of my apartment. My chest ached as the one place I wanted to go was no longer within reach. I felt so overwhelmed my emotions shifted to a vague buzz. I knew I needed to talk to someone. I couldn't bring myself to go see Kami. I burdened her enough with my dark past. She already gave up too much for me. I needed someone else.

My mind went through the list of contacts in my phone. I didn't know Ki's friends well enough to call them. Jay and Megahn would be in school. That left Ki. Could I call him? I remembered he called me before when he was feeling lost. Maybe he'd be able to help. I pulled out my phone and paused as my thumb hovered over the contact. I closed my eyes and pushed it, holding my breath as I held the phone against my ear. Ring. Ring. Ring.

"You've reached voicemail," came Ki's recorded voice. My heart crumbled and the tears pricked in my eyes. "Leave a message and stuff so I can--"

"No, no, no! Ignore that," came Ki's real voice as he picked up. I headed for a nearby bench and sat down, noting how my body hunched in on itself. "Sorry, I lost my phone under my mountain of groceries. Hang on—no!" I heard a crash of boxes toppling over. "Never mind. It's not like I wanted those granola bars stacked anyway. What's up? I hope you don't mind me unpacking in the background. I had to buy out the store. All I had was a single cheese stick this morning."

My fingers tightened on my phone and the straps on my shoulder. I let out a shaky breath "It's okay. I just needed someone to talk to," I said. There was a pause.

"You okay, Felisa?" Ki asked, his voice laced with concern. "Is something going on?"

"No, I ...I'm not thinking clearly," I replied. "I need someone to help talk me through this."

Another pause. "Felisa, are you by yourself? Are you safe?"

"I'm sitting on a bench downtown. I needed to get away from my apartment."

"Good. Is Kami nearby?"

"She's at work."

"Okay. Stay there on the bench," Ki instructed. "Now I want you to take a deep breath and let it out slowly."

I did as he requested, feeling my body shudder. He started to walk me through a breathing exercise and told me to focus on counting. I felt silly counting to four over and over but the more I did it, the more my muscles began to uncoil. My mind began to shift away from the negative thoughts and clung to the numbers.

"Is this helping at all?" Ki asked, worry still tugging at his voice.

"Yes, it is," I replied.

"That's good. I'm sorry I can't be there with you. I know what it's like to be alone when your mental health turns to shit."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Depression, anxiety, mild hallucinations. My C-PTSD can trigger anywhere too, which makes things real fun. That's sort of why I ran out of groceries. Last time I went to the store I saw something that sent me into shock. Jay dragged me to the walk-in clinic to make sure I wasn't dying."