Peter Parker // Whump

Pills

⚠️TW: depression, suicidal thoughts and mentions, self harm mentions⚠️

Peter takes his pills, twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. He hates the way they make him feel, the therapist said they were going to make him happy. He knows she was lying, he doesn't feel happy he feels numb. But he fakes the happiness, using what he sees in others to reflect joy. The lighting up of ones eyes that accompanies a smile, the light airy chuckle, the way a persons eyes water when they laugh so hard they can't breathe. That's all peter, but on a deeper level it's not him at all. Like a book, the first page filled with complete joy and wonder. The rest of the book blank, six hundred pages of nothing. Empty sheets for an empty mind, room to add more happiness, sadness, anything. But no pencil to write it with. The pills fill more pages, so to an observer the book seems full, no one bothers to look far enough into the book to realize it's empty. The plot of the book lost among the blinding white of the page and the absence of ink.

Peter wakes to his alarm, just like every other day. He turns it off and rolls out of bed, just like every other day. He brushes his teeth and gets dressed. When he enters the kitchen he sees May, she's cooking for herself, she knows peter is going to eat at school, he always does.

"Hey pete, how are you?" She asks, what's was once a light question now weighs a million pounds. How is he? He doesn't know, so he answers how he used to.

"I'm good May, how are you?" He responds pulling in his shoes.

"Good, did you take your pill?" She looks at him this time, plate of food in her hand. He answers as she sits.

"Yes, I've got to go. See you later," He forces a smile, his face feels numb.

"Oh remember the trip, you have so it'll be later than normal today,"

"Oh right, we'll I'll see you tonight then. Bye May larb you"

"Larb you" she waves, he walks out the door and down the street. He got ready quicker today, so he decides to walk. It's a chilly day, the breeze normally mistaken for air blown by passing cars. It's nice, Peter thinks, if only he could feel. The pills are numbing his emotions faster than he can grip on, he knows when the pills ware off it's going to be worse today. Emotions he should have been feeling will come crashing through the walls the pills build. At least he'll be at home, so he can take another before he relapses.

He arrives at the familiar building and finds his locker. Ned is already day there, waiting to talk about some new LEGO, or a movie he saw.

"Hey peter, you'll never guess what! I got a new LEGO set, we have to build it. But not today because we have the trip but maybe tomorrow!" Peter looks at Ned as he's talking and notices the joy in his eyes, the happiness in his smile. What he wouldn't give to feel that, even for a second.

"Yeah, definitely" Peter smiles back, although his smile doesn't reach his eyes like Neds. The bell rings and they head to class.

The day passes in a blur, people all around him smiling at their friends, laughing at jokes no one else would understand, crying over a relationship, angry about a pop quiz. So many emotions and Peter feels none. Numb, he feels numb. Maybe that's his emotion, numb. It's all he ever feels, all he remembers, all he knows.

The decathlon trip gathered in the science lab to talk about the trip. They didn't know where they were going yet, just that it was going to be a long and interesting trip. Some speculated that they would go to Oscorp again, peter hoped not. Others thought Stark towers, Peter also hoped not, he didn't want to see the avengers today. They could almost always read him like a book, because a book is still a book even if it's empty. It just gives the reader room to decide what it says.