Under My Skin

God Only Knows

"Connor! How was class?" I rushed to greet him at the door, pulling him into my arms

"Oh- hey.. someone's happy to see me.." he chuckled, rubbing my back up and down, chin tucked away in my shoulder

"It's me.. I missed you" I admitted

"I missed you too, Kev.. class was good. Long.. more cell structure bullshit"

"..My boyfriend's a doctor." I giggled under my breath

"I'm not a doctor."

"You will be"

"Okay, but I'm not one yet." He chuckled, pulling back and giving me a pat on the shoulder "how are you?"

"Oh.. I'm alright" I fibbed, giving him a smile

I mean, I'm okay. I'm not horrible. I'm just fine. I'm just kinda.. here.

Trauma doesn't really go away. It can get better, yes, but it doesn't go away. You can learn to live with it, you can learn to cope and function. But it doesn't just go away. Sometimes it gets worse, after being better for a very long time. Progress isn't ever linear. I know how annoying it gets to hear people say that, but much to the discontent of everyone in recovery, it's true. It's never just goes up, it's like a roller coaster. You have to drop down in order to go back up again. But sometimes it just feels like that drop will never stop. Like you'll never get back up to where you once were, to where you want to be. It feels like it will never stop. Even when deep down you know better, you know it can't stay this way forever, it can feel hopeless. you can feel stuck. Especially when you've been this way for four years. It gets hard not to feel hopeless.

I haven't told my psychiatrist. He'd just make a big deal out of it, he'd come in and take all my knives and cleaners, like I can't take care of myself. Like I can't even be trusted not to kill myself. Maybe it's true, but the feeling of that is worse than any risky behavior I could possibly commit. I'm a grown adult. I can take care of myself. And if I choose to do something that could be bad for me, it's my right. It's my choice. I'm an an adult, and if I've decided I've had enough, that's nobody's business but my own. Especially for someone like me. I don't have anyone counting on me, I don't have anyone who relies on me. My choices are my own, and mine only.
I don't need my doctor babysitting me. And I don't need Adelaide, looking at me with that pity in her face. I don't want to be pitied. All my neighbors, all my parents friends, my old teachers from school, they all just see me as some sort of wounded animal. I'm sick of being treated that way, I refuse to put myself in a situation in which I'll have people watching me to make sure I don't hurt myself. I'm not a sad story to tell, I'm not some sort of trauma porn for people to feel sorry for and solidify their idea that they're a good person for it.

Some people never learned how to respect a person instead of the idea of them. So many people like the idea and not the person. They break you down to a single characteristic and fetishize it. Being gay, being mentally ill, being traumatized. They turn it into your entire personality and fawn over it. 'The sweet little broken boy'. I've been called that. And yes, I am broken, but that's not who I am. but some people don't even want to see anything but that. nothing but their fetishized idea of who I am, because of one part of me.

I know I don't do much, but there's a lot going on inside my head. Always. I think a lot of things. I have hopes. Dreams of who I could one day be. Songs I get stuck in my head, books I like, movies I enjoy, ideas about the world, about myself. But all some people want to see is what gets them off on their pity. Gay. Frightened. Hurt. Sad. That's all some people want to see. Not me, not the person beneath those titles, but the titles themselves. They like the idea of me. They like the idea of feeling bad for me.
I'm a person. I'm a hurt person, but I'm a person, nonetheless. And even though I may not be a whole person yet, I am not theirs to turn into some caricature of a man. Whether they want to see me as a human being or as a trope, that's up to them. But I am not some sort of trauma porn. I'm Kevin. I'm Kevin Price. And I like television period dramas and science fiction movies. I like watching children's shows sometimes, just for the comfort of a happy ending. I like Indian food, even though I never have the energy to cook it myself. I like the scent of laundry sheets and mowed lawns, I like singing while I clean, even though I'm not very good at it. I like to sit by my window and watch the snow fall in the winter. I love my parents. I love Adelaide, I love my friend. I love the sound of rain. And I love the feeling of silk on my skin.