Under My Skin

Telestial

I watched him sleep. I know that sounds creepy, but I couldn't bring myself to look away. What if something bad happens to him? I can't look away, I can't afford to look away. I have to watch him. Make sure he's okay.

I don't feel like I can leave. I don't feel like I'm allowed to leave. What kind of monster could just leave his boyfriend in a hospital bed? I sure can't.

I don't even feel like I'm allowed to call him my boyfriend. We don't go out. We've never been out on a date.
He comes over every night. We lay together, we watch movies.
I hadn't let anyone touch me in four years, before him. We tell each other 'I love you', he's with me every day. I let him touch me. I let him kiss me- I love when he kisses me. I never thought I'd be touched and not hate it, but I love it, I love it when he kisses me. We've slept together. By all means, he's my boyfriend. But somehow, it still doesn't feel right to say. Like I'm not allowed to say it, like we're not real boyfriends because we don't go out.
Maybe now isn't the time to be analyzing our relationship. But I can't help it. I love the man, but somehow, it just feels wrong to say it. Like I don't deserve to make that claim, I haven't earned it. I fell in love with him quickly. I think I knew, the moment he showed up at my door, that night. Wearing that robe, looking so sad. I knew I loved him. But somehow, I still feel like I haven't earned the right to say it. Because we've never gone out.

Well, we're out, now.

He looks so tired. Even asleep, he looks tired. He has these big dark circles under his eyes, like I've never seen before. The poor thing. I've never seen him look so fragile. So tired.

I placed my hand atop his own, giving a defeated sigh.

"I'm here.." I whispered, as if he were awake.

I know it's not supposed to be a big deal. Everyone tells me that. But how can I believe them when the person I love is in a hospital bed? There's no world in which that's okay to me. I can't leave him. I won't leave him. I'm staying right here until he walks out with me. I can't bear to have it any other way.

"Knock knock!" A woman's sickly sweet voice rang in, as the curtain was pulled back, his mother now entering.

I quickly pulled my hand back from his, attempting to seem as nonchalant as I could.

"Mrs. McKinley... hi.." I wiped my irritated and watering eyes.

"Kelvin.. what are you doing here? I thought you don't go outside.."

"...M-My name's Kevin.. I think Kelvin is a type of temperature measurement .."

"Oh, my bad!! Kevin!" She reached out her hand to shake

"I don't... I don't touch... thank you.."

"Oh.. well, that's okay.. it's good to see you again! Thank you for watching over our Connor.. I can take him, from here."

"Actually, I... I wanted to stay with him.. if that's okay with you... I've been so worried about him, I-I don't think I could stand to leave him.." I chuckled nervously

"That's okay.. it seems like the anesthesia is still working.."

"Actually, it- it wore off hours ago.. he's on some good pain meds, but mostly, he's just a heavy sleeper.... not that I would know.. I-I've never been with him when he's asleep, I don't sleep with him- fall asleep with him, I- I assume he is... from.. this. He's sleeping very heavily, so I- I assume he's... a heavy sleeper.."

"....Yes, he is." She blinked

"....did you have a good drive?"

"Not really.. my son's in the hospital.."