Under My Skin

What Once Was

I tend to rush things. I get excited and I throw myself into things I'm not quite ready for. And while I wouldn't call my relationship with Connor something I'm not ready for, I won't pretend I didn't go fast. After that first kiss, I plowed ahead. That's kind of what happens when you've never kissed anyone before, you dive in. And while I don't regret it, I do find myself feeling a little forced. Like suddenly I'm a stranger to him again. I need some time. Not away from him, not back. But I need to relearn, I need to get to know him again, in this new closeness. This new intimacy.

"So h-how old is your brother?" I asked, picking at the edge of my nail

"Nineteen."

"When was he diagnosed..?"

"At seventeen..he's had issues with it his whole life, but he wasn't diagnosed until recently.. he lived alone for a while there, when he was eighteen, we thought things were getting better, I mean, so many people with schizophrenia can keep it manageable with medication and therapy, and live normal lives, you know? They can have careers, children, everything. We thought he was in that direction, but then the police called us. He'd attacked an officer who he thought was in disguise, trying to kill him... the officer was good to him, thank god. He could tell that he was either on drugs or severely mentally ill, so he only used as much force as he had to to keep him down.. a lot of cops don't do that. Most would've been absolutely brutal to him. But he just did what he had to do to get him down and into cuffs, then took him to the hospital.. poor thing, they had to cuff him down to the bed."

"That's awful.."

"Yeah.. and most people, that isn't how it is for them, you know that, right? I-I don't want to reinforce any stereotypes; so many people with schizophrenia can live completely average lives. He just couldn't.. he moved back in at home. We don't know what's going to happen if something happened to my parents, God forbid. He can't live on his own, he can't work, we don't know if he'll ever be able to.. I assume I'd move in, take care of him. I mean, I love him, of course I'll do that if he needs me, but I.. want a career. I want to live with my boyfriend someday.. if he needs me, I'll be there in a heartbeat, of course. But I.. want the opportunity to have my life. As selfish as that sounds, knowing he can't have his.. but I think it's kind of silently agreed upon that if.. something ever happens, I'm taking care of him. It's my job, I'm his big brother.. I love him. I love him dearly, I want to do everything I can for him, but I also.. want a life of my own."

"I get that.."

"....but that's not to say I don't love being there for him. I just don't want my entire life to become that. I want to be a doctor, I want a husband, one day.. it's like... it's not like with you. I don't want you to think that I feel burdened here for a second; I love to be here for you. I love to help you. I like to look out for you, I like to be here to care for you when you need it. But I also get to go to school, I get to have fun with you, my boyfriend. It's not a job, it's a real relationship, you give me just as much as I give you. I love you. But if something happened with my family, taking care of him would be a full time job. I'd have to drop out, I'd never get to see you.. it'd become my entire life."

"No, that makes sense.."

"And it feels so terribly selfish to even say. Why is that what I worry about? Not how that could affect my brother, not how that could absolutely destroy him, but how I would have to be the one to pick up all the pieces.. I love him, of course I worry about what he'll do if something happened to our mom and dad. I worry about him a lot. But I also worry about having the entire responsibility fall onto my lap for the rest of my life.. and it's selfish, it's so terribly selfish. I feel horrible for even considering myself in a situation that harmful to my brother.. but we're programmed to be selfish, it's about preservation, we want to put ourselves first.. but it's still terrible."