exasperated ；rensung

xii

Standing at the doorstep of the Huang Residence, Jisung was wondering about how should he take Renjun inside without any commotion. After 2 minutes of staring blankly at the door, he finally remembered his phone.

Calling..

"Hello? Lifan? Are you there?"

"..why are you calling this late?" said an annoyed noise.

"It's not that late though?" Jisung interjected.

"You woke me up, idiot! Anyways, why'd you call?" she scolded the boy but then gave in since she's already woken up so there's nothing that can be done now.

"I need your help, please."

"You've gotta be kidding me! What happened to him?!" lifan exclaimed in a hushed tone but it still didn't decrease her angriness, quite like her brother.

"He had a panic attack or that's what I think he had. Anyways, I need to put him somewhere hurry!" He shook lifan who was now frantic upon hearing her brother getting a possible panic attack.

She helped him sneak up into Renjun's room as discreetly as possible. They both heaved a sigh of relief after getting inside the room. Jisung gingerly placed Renjun's limp body on his bed and made sure to cover him with the blanket.

He stared at his sleeping self for a while until he had to tear his gaze from the sleeping beauty to Lifan.
Might I say, a very mad Lifan.

"What did you do? He has not got an episode for years. It can't just happen out of nowhere?" she demanded.

But the boy didn't utter a word. He had his head down in shame. He didn't want this to happen too.

"Jisung, please. I need to know. Tomorrow when he won't wake up by himself mum and dad would be so worried!" she continued to plead for an answer but all she got was:

"It was my fault"

and he left without another word.

💛

Jisung kept tugging at his sleeves, pulling them down by his fingers. Something he does when he's disappointed of himself making him feel uncomfortable in his own skin.

It was one of those nights where he would just lock himself up and wonder how can someone be as bad as him. Pointing out each and every flaw in his self while crying uncontrollably.

These weren't very serious, most of the time. Everyone goes through such phases where their insecurities take over them completely and it's good to actually let it all out.

Jisung had his own ways of calming himself down. Since he was a child, he would always rant to his grandparents how he's not good at anything and he sucks. Why?

Simply because they were proud of him and praise their little bundle of joy from time to time. But for Jisung, those praises weren't compliments. He felt like they were mocking him. Because he didn't have any of those qualities in him.

He was just a disappointment who couldn't carry out a simple task properly. He couldn't do anything right. Everything was wrong with his life and he was the reason of this. He made sure to remind himself of these words from time to time.

"nai-nai, look I got a bad grade :(" little Jisung went up to his grandma to tell her about the test he got back. He was expecting a scolding but all he ever got was

"aw, cute little thing, it's alright. You can try hard next time, hm?" she would say with a bright smile directed towards her grandkid.

"Come here, Jisung" then she would carry the little boy in her arms and tell him how amazing he is.

It has always been like this. No one told him he's wrong when he wanted to hear. He wasn't the perfect kid they made out of him. This is why he was so intrigued with Renjun for the older would scold him for anything.

Today had been very tiring. After all the convincing he had to do to win over a date with Renjun and later he busted it and the older boy got sick. He had to admit that Renjun sure was a difficult guy.

He sat by his window and gazed at the sky which was pitch black. Not even a single star visible in the vast darkness. He felt at fault for pushing Renjun out of his comfort zone. It was truly his fault he got a panic attack and Jisung knew he will never forgive himself for that.

Tomorrow, he has to not just apologize but also take care of him.

But before that, he first needs to chastise himself, properly.

╣tbc╠