exasperated ；rensung

xiii

Jisung was sitting with his arm underneath his face, supporting his chin. While gazing at the sky that was now adorned with thick clouds, his mind kept getting flashes of all the things that have happened yet. Particularly the bad memories.

He was still holding his tears, head now dreading with an immense pain. With each scene that played inside his brain, he kept nearing towards his breakdown.

And with that, he pressed his chin on his wrist harder. He kept on digging the edge of his face forcefully onto his hand despite his body warning him of the pain. But he why would he stop? This is what he wanted. He wanted to feel pain until it hurts so much that he'll stop.

This would always calm himself. He'd bawl his eyes out, curse himself and then he'd hit himself until it hurt and there you have it, a well scolded Jisung.

But that day he hasn't cried yet, there was so much pent up feelings that he accidentally hurted his wrist too much. Resulting in him hissing from the intense pain.

"What am I even doing.." he sighed holding his hand which was now red with all the abuse inflicted on it.

"I can't do anything right. I wish I could just die, right here right now. I'm sure no one will even notice," he admitted to himself with a bitter laugh.

Dragging himself clumsily towards his bed, he suddenly fell on his knees. Unable to control his tears, he finally let the river out. Clutching his head he made sure his voice cries won't get louder while he continued hitting himself time to time.

(a/n: I'm really sorry to write this :'(
and to imagine jisung like this breaks my heart)

After an hour, he started to calm down. His tears now dried making his cheeks sticky as the new tears replaced them.

"Maybe I'll be able to sleep now," he whispered with his parched tongue. Grabbing the water bottle he saved for Renjun before, he took some sips.

Sprawled on the sheets, he thought about ending it. Courting Renjun. He clearly isn't interested in Jisung so why continue to make things difficult for him.

"I'm sure he hates me even more now," Jisung said with a sigh.

"and he will always do. So I should also stop."

I'll end this with a final apology, he thought after trying to get some sleep.

Funny how it was all supposed to start with an apology but tomorrow it will end with one.

But that tomorrow never came. Nor did the apology.

18 year old Jisung who thought death can solve all problems and slept soundly after crying enough tears. Turns out, those tears weren't enough for him.

He still had many tears left to cry.

💛

Jisung slept at about 1:31 am and exactly after two hours a phone call came. The one that heralded the death of a an important person of the Dong family. The person who's efforts his kids are now enjoying was no more now.

Jisung's dearest grandfather passed away.

Anarchy in the whole mansion. Every person living inside the building was on their feet. When everyone slept through the night, theirs was stolen by nature.

The hushed sounds woke Jisung from his raw sleep. He was about to get up until his door opened with a thud showing a teary eyed Sicheng.

"gege, wha-"

"Jisung,"

"yéye, he- he's gone" Sicheng managed to voice out in a hushed whisper despite his ragged breaths.

Jisung's eyes widened.

It can't be, I talked to him yesterday he was fine- how?

Now standing at the funeral of his beloved grandfather, Jisung knew his world has started to crumble.

His whole life consisted of two pieces. His grandparents. They were his everything. But now he's lost one of them and he doesn't know how to deal with that fact.

He can never be complete. His yéye left him, forever.

Jisung held his grandmother firmly who was now crying at his shoulder. He wanted to just burst. It was too much to take for his fragile self.

He kept on asking himself, how?

January 29th

Two days have passed after the sorrowful event.

By now, Jisung had cried in so many embraces. He doesn't even remember how many times he's shed tears. Nor that he cares. But even so, he can't seem to stop. His mum couldn't watch her child like this. He hasn't eaten, slept, rested for two days.

He just cries. That's all he does.

After the burial, they had to take his grandmother back to Korea. His father didn't want her to live alone there, so he took her with them. Jisung had been with her all the time. Both of them grieving the most.

Back in Korea, they had many visitors and one of them also were his dad's best friend and his family.

His family included a certain someone too whom Jisung was expecting to see,

but he never came.

💛

what the actual fuck did i just write? lol it isn't making much sense XD

n e ways, it is the extra smol episode of angst i was talking about. tbh, i wanted to write more but i just couldn't bear that >:(

i hope you guys like it bc i spent too long on this and it still sucks :c