16 Months

Truth

"What a marvelous feeling it would be, if we could say exactly how we felt. What a monumental victory. What a terrifying thought."

- Akif Kichloo

——

Camila woke up the next day wrapped up in his arms. She reached over to the nightstand and fumbled for her phone. The screen lit up with the same text message she had been so careful to avoid the night before. She silently cursed herself for having already waited this long to tell him. Her feelings for him were strong, and she was pretty damn sure he felt the same way—but letting him in on this part of her life could ruin everything. Just thinking about the potential outcomes had tears threatening to spill out of her eyes.

"Mila?" Shawn groggily asked as he woke up from his slumber. "Are you crying? What's wrong?"

She knew she couldn't keep it from him any longer. No matter how much she may want to, her emotions wouldn't let her. She cared way too much about him and about their relationship to keep secrets from him—even if the secret itself has the potential to drive him away from her.

"I, um...I need to talk to you about something," she weakly croaked. Tears were freely flowing down her cheeks now, so he knew whatever it was had to be pretty serious. "It's something I probably should've told you way sooner...I just...I don't know. I didn't want to push you away, I guess." Shawn reached over and intertwined his hand with hers.

"You can tell me anything," he replied honestly. She nodded and sat up in bed with her back against the headboard. He followed suit, her legs draping over his as they sat on the bed. She took a deep breath and looked at him, squeezing his hand.

"I'm sick." A single tear rolled down her cheek as the words left her mouth. "Like...really sick." She didn't have the courage to say the word 'terminal' out loud, but she could tell by the look on Shawn's face that he knew exactly what she meant.

"Oh," he said in a quiet, weak voice. They both just sat there staring at each other for what felt like an eternity—Shawn's mouth slightly agape as his hazel eyes welled with tears. "What...is it okay if I ask what it is?" he finally choked out. Camila wiped her eyes and nodded.

"It's...well it's a couple of things, I guess. I was diagnosed with Lupus about six years ago. Basically my immune system attacks its own tissues...so I have a pretty shitty immune system and diseases can affect me more severely than they could people without Lupus." Shawn silently listened along and nodded as she spoke. "Um...and then, more recently, I was diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which basically means that the walls of my lungs are scarring and thickening making it more and more difficult for them to actually work. They don't really know what caused it, and it's super rare for a woman in her 20s to be diagnosed with it—but my weak immune system courtesy of the Lupus kind of puts me at risk for everything...so it's not unheard of." Shawn continued listening and not saying a word, nodding periodically to let her know that he hadn't completely zoned out. "Um...the symptoms aren't as bad as they could be! So I guess that's a plus...for the most part it's just shortness of breath and some dry coughing. Sometimes I get really tired and my muscles ache. But other than that I don't really have any symptoms."

Silence lingered in the air as Shawn processed everything that Camila had said. Finally, he cleared his throat and began to speak.

"So, when you say it's really bad...do you mean it's...terminal?" He has looked away from her when he said it. Suddenly she realized why she shouldn't have waited this long. She felt horrible for falling into this beautiful relationship with him just to tell him it wouldn't last. His eyes flashed back over to her and she nodded, confirming his fears.

"They could potentially do a lung transplant, but because of the Lupus they don't recommend it. Honestly the safest thing for me to do at this point is just...wait it out." This time, Shawn squeezed her hand. He wiped a couple tears from his eyes before asking his next question.

"How long?"

"They said they expect it to worsen pretty quickly. Typically someone would have about four years but because of my immune system being so bad..." Camila took a deep breath as she looked at her boyfriend. He was preparing for the worst. She could tell. "The last I heard they predicted sixteen months." Shawn's brows furrowed and his bottom lip quivered as tears began pouring down his cheeks. "I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry...it was incredibly selfish of me to get into a relationship knowing all of this. I shouldn't have gotten you involved. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. We...we should probably just end this now before I hurt you worse..." she rambled. She attempted to pull her hand away from his but he just grasped onto it tighter.

"Camila," he spoke softly. She stopped and looked at him. "I know we've only been together for a month, but I love you...okay? I love you so much. And as much as this hurts...and as much as it will hurt in the future—I think I'd rather have sixteen more months with you than none at all. So if you'd have me, I'd love to stay."

"Shawn...it's a lot to deal with. I don't want to bring you down with all of my baggage. Just go, you'll find another girl. I promise. You'll find one who can give you the beautiful future you deserve. But I can't do that...and I can't let you bring this kind of mess into your life. I know it hurts now but if you stay it will only hurt worse when my time comes. You'll be much happier without this kind of stress," Camila pleaded. Shawn shook his head.

"No, Camila. I'll be much happier with you. Please, just let me love you. I want to love you. I'll deal with the pain when that time comes...but for now, I'd really like to take advantage of the time I do have with you. Please just let me stay," Shawn begged. Camila sighed and looked down at their interlocked hands.

"It's not going to be easy, Shawn..." she reminded him.

"I don't want easy, Camila. I just want you."