16 Months

The Transplant

"Scared is what you're feeling; brave is what you're doing."

- Emma Donoghue

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"That feels nice," Camila cooed happily as Shawn gently massaged the shampoo into her long hair. It was the night before her surgery; a surgery that, no matter the outcome, would change their lives forever. She was weak enough at this point that he had to assist her anytime she would take a shower or bath, but something about this time felt different. Maybe because if all went well, she'd be strong enough to care for herself soon. He held her cheek in his hand as he rinsed the suds out of her hair, his thumb gently brushing against her cheekbone as she leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

"You're so beautiful," he hummed as he kissed her forehead. "I hope you never forget that." Camila was emotional - a dangerous combination of nerves, fear, excitement, and love. His lips tenderly pressing against the skin of her forehead was the final straw in breaking down her emotional barrier and she finally just let herself cry. She cried often, but typically it had been coming from a place of hopelessness. This time, she just felt overwhelmingly loved. She thought the shower was doing an adequate job of masquerading her tears, but that must not have been the case. Shawn pulled his lips away from her forehead to look at her, becoming increasingly concerned when he saw her crying. "Are you okay?" She nodded and smiled softly, resting her head against his chest.

"I'm okay," she reassured him. "I'm just...really grateful for you."

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" he asked as he shut the water off and grabbed their towels. She let out a heavy sigh as he wrapped her in the fluffy fabric.

"I'm excited to finally be okay again," she replied. "I want to be strong again." Shawn cupped her cheeks and lifted her face up so she was looking into his eyes.

"Look at me," he said sternly. "You are strong. You have been strong this entire time. Okay?" Camila smiled and nodded bashfully. He helped her dry off, rubbing the plush towel over her body until the droplets that had covered her skin were gone. "Come on, let's get dressed."

"Wait," Camila stopped him. "Can, um...can we just...not get dressed?" Her cheeks turned a soft pink. "I just want to feel close to you tonight." Shawn smiled timidly and nodded, taking her hand in his as they both walked naked into their bedroom and got into bed. He held her as close as he could. The feeling of her bare skin against his sending shockwaves through both of them. Sex was off the table for them at this point, honestly it had been for a while. As much as they craved the deeper levels of physical intimacy with each other, just laying naked together was often enough to establish that kind of soulful connection. "I'm scared," Camila admitted as she buried her face into his chest. "What if something goes wrong?" Shawn sighed and pressed his lips to the top of her head momentarily.

"Nothing is gonna go wrong."

"You don't know that," she said through the tears that were now falling down her face. "As much as I'd like to believe that everything will go perfectly and I'll be okay, we have to at least acknowledge the fact that...that this time tomorrow I might not be here anymore." Shawn attempted to swallow down his tears.

"Camila...I can't sleep. I can't sleep because every night I know that there's a possibility that when I wake up I will have already lost you. So I stay awake and watch you to make sure you're still with me. For the past few months, I've said goodnight to you every night knowing that the next night you might not be with me anymore. As hard as it's been, I've been emotionally preparing myself for this. And don't get me wrong, it's sucked. No one wants to prepare to lose someone they love...but sometimes you have to. Once I emotionally prepared myself as much as I could, all I had left was hope. Because it was all I had, I clung to it. I clung to the hope that you'd get new lungs, that you'd be okay. So that's exactly what I'm doing; I'm clinging to the hope that you're going to be okay." He leaned forward and kissed her softly, brushing his nose against hers.