If the world was ending

a disagreement

"No, that's not what I want and that is not what I'm saying", I replied frustrated.

"Then I don't know what you mean".

"Clearly..."

"Are you going to tell me or do you just want me to guess and pamper you in the meantime?"

"Don't be like that".

"Like what? Straightforward? I don't do this, Shawn, we don't do this. Be honest with me, talk to me".

"Not now".

She sighed tiredly and turn around with her hands up in defeat. Shit, this is not what I wanted either.

"Camila..." I tried to hold her hand in mine but she removed it.

"Shawn, you clearly have things to think about and don't want me helping you, so I don't know what you expect from me".

"Just... I just wanna be alone".

"Then be", she said shortly, a challenge in her voice.

I knew I had gotten on her nerves, that I was making her mad, but I was annoyed on my own so I couldn't just put my feelings aside to comfort her. That wouldn't work.

I stepped out of the room with my phone and airpods in my hand. She stayed behind and sat on the bed crossing her arms and looking through the window.

I knew she wanted to help but she couldn't, this wasn't about her, it was about me. I was feeling frustrated, tired, anxious, all of it. This wasn't a particular good day. Two years ago I was on top of the world driving my fans crazy with all the promo previous to the release of my third album and now... now I had nothing. I had ideas flying around, I was motivated to the core of my bones but I couldn't do much due to this pandemic. I was stuck.

I wasn't usually this frustrated with the situation, I was handling it pretty well actually, but today was the exception.

I walked around the neighborhood to clear my head. Paps were quite possibly parked on every corner taking pics of me. I hadn't seen any of the photos, there was no point on that, but I knew they were out there. By now, I was used to seen the same guys mingling around the house and there wasn't much any of us could do because they hadn't broken any law yet, or so Andrew said when I complained about it to him.

I wish I had the right words to explain to Camila that she didn't need to be mad, or that she shouldn't feel helpless, but I didn't. I didn't want to talk and therefore, I didn't bother looking for ways to express myself better.

I needed to be alone and angry by myself for a while. In a similar situation, I would've gone to the studio and put all this madness into lyrics and guitar chords but I couldn't, and that thought just made me fume.

I slowed down my pace to gain a bit more time before going back to the house. I started focusing on my breathing, naming things and colors I saw, focusing on the sun hitting my skin, any meditation strategy that could help me calm my mind.

When I came back in the house, Camila was in the living room with Sinu, they were both watching TV while her mom was brushing her hair. They looked at me but didn't say anything and went back to what they were doing. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and moved to sit by the pool.

Camila's parents were awesome, I always knew that. And the fact that they haven't minded us sleeping on the same bed all this time just proved how much they trusted me and her. But I couldn't deny that sometimes it was a bit awkward to be around them, specially when things with Camila weren't perfect. I knew they would never interfere or get involve with our relationship, but just knowing that they were aware of stuff like that was unsettling.