My Purgatory Hell

Chapter 10

"You will lose someone you can't live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."

― Anne Lamott

I let out a breath of hot air that I didn't realize I was holding. Jack must have still been sleeping when they went to retrieve Austin, because Dad and Mom left Jack home alone. I didn't have the heart to check up on my youngest brother. Dad drove up in the garage. The three of them got out of the vehicle and slowly made their way into the house. Dad had a stone, emotionless face, my mom had bloodshot eyes, and Austin had red-rimmed eyes. Austin slung his overnight bag over his shoulder and followed our parents up to the garage.

"We haven't told little Jacky, yet," Mom warned as they paused at the creaky garage steps. Her voice sounded defeated and the words came out a bit choppy as she sniffled. For the most part, my mother was holding herself together rather well. My father was mute, but he wasn't one to show his emotions--unlike my mom or Austin.

I crossed my arms across my chest and started rubbing my arms. "Is it chilly, or is that just me?" I asked Samantha. I had this odd sensation at watching my family discuss my death. Maybe I was experiencing these chills, because it was a bit nerve-wrecking to be on the outside looking in.

Samantha shrugged. "It happens when we are forced to confront situations we aren't ready to confront, I think." She frowned for a minute as she looked off into the distance, but reigned herself back into the present. "This is only speculation. I could always be wrong." Her eyes focused back in on me before she continued to speak. "Did you need me to leave you alone?" Her voice was suddenly childlike and matched her twelve-year-old body. Unsure of what to do with herself, she shifted back and forth on her legs uncomfortably as she waited for my response. I'm sure she didn't want to be left out, because if I was in her shoes, I wouldn't have even asked. I would've just stayed mute as I watched the ongoing situation unfold in front of me. The question and moment touched me.

"You can stay," I told her. I wasn't sure what I was going to do next, and her thoughtfulness had me wanting her to stay. I also needed a presence to help me through coping with this daunting observation. Not that I would openly admit that to Samantha, as I was barely able to admit the thought to myself.

Nodding that she understood my response, Samantha clasped her arms behind her back and watched me expectantly. "Lead the way," she instructed as she glanced up to my house and back at me. Her lapse of formality had ceased, and she was back to her spiritual guiding self.

I took a deep breath and made my way up the stairs and into the house, pausing once again at the garage door. It was hard to wrap my head around not needing to turn the knob on the door in order to enter the house. My family was already gathered in the living room. Grief was plastered on all of their face, which ripped my heartstrings apart and threw them before me. If I could wipe that grief away, I would do anything to put these pieces back together. I didn't realize until now how callous my actions were--I did this. I put myself and my family in this gruesome situation. There were a lot of stupid decisions I've made in my past, but this would have to top the cake.

"I just don't get it. I saw her last night," Austin sniffled with confusion etched in his young features.

"I know, Sweetheart. We don't get it either. How could we know last night would be the last we would see of Maribell?" The words were directed towards herself, but my mother said these words in an attempt to comfort Austin.