My Purgatory Hell

Chapter 29

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
― William Blake

I wasn't sure what led me back to Hayley. We ended on positive terms the last time we talked in her dream, yes, but I still hadn't totally forgiven her. She did put on quite a show, though, regardless of if she truly meant what she said or not.

However, I knew I was alone--Austin and Aaron were on Veronica's side. I wanted to check on David, but that could wait, because recovery doesn't just happen overnight. So, I found myself venturing off to Hayley's where we used to play when we were younger. Sunrise hadn't hit yet, so I made my way up to her bedroom and once again into her dreams.

Hayley jumped when she saw me. "Maribell? What are you doing here?" she asked me. When I didn't respond, she seemed to be unsure of what to say next. "I--are you okay? I am sorry. Truly sorry. I know I apologized before, but please forgive me. Tell me what is wrong," Hayley urged as she spotted the broken expression plastered on my face. We were in her bedroom in the dream, and she patted her had next to her on the bedspread. Mindlessly, I followed her direction and sat beside her on the bed.

"I don't know." My voice sounded hollow. "Austin, Aaron, and Veronica all want me to find peace. I just don't see how that is possible. I have so many things to do." I glanced at her, and Hayley seemed to understand.

Nodding, Hayley responded, "I see what your problem is. You are afraid we will forget you, and you feel you are needed here. Well, Worry-Wart, I'm sorry to say that while you've blessed us with your smile and soul, you don't need to worry anymore, because we will be fine." Hayley touched my arm gently in a soothing gesture.

"I also kissed Aaron. How can I let that go?" I asked her.

Hayley shook her head with a sad smile. "You can't. However, it was only in a dream. I know this hurts to say, but you are dead, Maribell. That kiss, no matter how real it felt, was an illusion manifested from both you and Aaron Nothing can be done about reversing this situation. The best you will have to do is make peace with yourself."

I shook my head. "You are sounding like Austin, Veronica, and Aaron," I grumbled.

"So what if I am? We are all telling you the truth. We just want you to be happy and do what's best for you. You are just so stubborn to admit it and move on."

"Can I at least say goodbye?" I asked in a hollow voice. Everyone was kicking me to the curb. I felt like I needed to say goodbye to my family, Aaron, and even Hayley. I knew David would be fine on his own. If I visited him now, it may regress his recovery status. Or mine. I know it has only been a few days--was it a few days?--but regardless of the time, I knew my loyalties lay with my family.

I laughed. "What is so funny?" Hayley asked me in utter confusion.

Shaking my head, I explained my thought process and how I found the word loyalties funny. Hayley shook her head, too, with a smile on her face. "Only you," she commented with a laugh. "I'm glad we are on better terms, though."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, taking in the severity of our conversation and what was to happen next. I also resigned myself to making peace. I know I was quite wishy-washy, as I was with most things in my waking life. However, it was time, no matter how hard I argued. I was suffering, and I wasn't sure how Samantha did it for so long. I know I said this before--it being time--but I felt a finality to my words and feelings this time.

"Okay," I said. "I just need to say goodbye."

My words felt hollow. I needed to figure out how to say goodbye and not drag things out like my subconscious has with Winnie, David, Hayley, and Austin. Regardless of what happens now, it is not in my power to fix their problems.