When He Cries

16: Hay Buhay

Owtor's Nowt: not edited, update on mobile phone.

I HATE myself. I know why. Dahil ang kaisa-isang taong tumulong sa akin para mawala ang galit at sakit, para mawala ang sugat at lamat na ginawa ni Vanessa sa pride ko ay ngayon nasa loob ng kwarto niya umiiyak, nasasaktan dahil gago ako. Dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ang tamang pagsabi ng nararamdaman ko.

Napakagago lang di ba? Here I am outside her door, sitting on the floor like an idiot, na dapat ay kinakalampag ko siya para itama ang dapat kong sabihin. Pero duwag kasi ako eh. Kahit noon pa kay Vanessa duwag ako. I can't disagree, I always agree. Tanga nga eh.

I was dumb and stupid and still am. I am a disgrace to mankind. Why can't I just tell her how I feel exactly without hurting her? Why do I always hesitate when it comes to Maine? Why?

Maine became my damsel in shining armor when I really needed one. She understands how I feel, she gets me. I admire her spunk, her braveness, her beauty and her wits. She's a total package... and I am an idiot.

Maine is the type of girl that you would want to bring home and introduce to your parents. In my case, I can bring her to my home and introduce her to my heart, but the idiot side of me did not let it happen. Why? I don't know.

My mind's string pulls harder and stronger than my heart's string. My heart went silent as soon as my mouth opened to a single word, then it was followed by a word vomit of nonsense, hurtful nonsense.

I got up cause I heard a rustling sound inside. I don't know how long I've been sitting here. The sound movements inside went away. It was replaced by a complete silence. Kinabahan ako. It really did scare me. What if... there goes my mind again.

Tama rin naman ang nasagi sa isip ko. Paano nga kung... Shit! She can't hurt herself. I will die. Sinubukan kong buksan ang pinto ng kwarto niya pero naka-lock ito mula sa loob.

Natataranta na ako, hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya papasukin sa loob ng kwarto niya. Baka kung ano na ang ginawa nito sarili. I know she's hurting and I also know she's crying. She may be a strong woman but even the strongest one like Shera still has a weak point. And what if she reached that point? Oh God, please no, not her. Not my Maine.

I can't help myself to get so frantic and scared kasi nga gago ako. Gago ako kasi hindi ko man lang masabi sa kanyang mahal ko na siya. Mahal na mahal, kahit sa maikling panahon ko pa lang siya nakikilala, minahal ko na siya dahil hindi siya mahirap mahalin.

Napalingon ako sa kwarto ko nang marinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto ng banyo. "She's in the bathroom." Alam kong naiwan ko yung bukas. Halos magkandarapa pa ako sa pagpasok sa kwarto ko, but she had locked the door already.

"Damn!" I was late again. I hate me, really. I really seriously hate me right now.

Then I heard the shower running. I felt relieved. "Whoo! Maliligo lang pala siya." Napabuga ako ng hangin natawa ako sa sarili ko. "Overacting lang, Raf?" I smiled like an idiot.

Sige na. Paninindigan ko na ang pagiging tanga at bobo ko. Para sa 'yo, Maine, maghihintay ako dito.

Umupo ako sa kama ko para hintayin siyang matapos. Kakausapin ko siya paglabas niya. Hihingi ako ng sorry at magtatapat na ako, walang paliguy-ligoy. Gusto kong malaman niya na mahal ko siya. Kapal ng mukha mo, tapos mong saktan, uutuin mo? Gago ka nga. Kung pwede ko lang tanggalin ang utak na ito, kanina ko pa ginawa.

"Nasaan ka utak nung kailangan kita? Nung kami pa ni Vanessa? Nasaan ka noon? Tapos ngayon ang galing-galing mong umepal." Mahina kong sabi sa sarili ko. Son of a... nababaliw na nga ako!