Just Hold Me (Sidney Crosby) EDITING THEN CONTINUING

Chapter 19 - Home

He sits down on my couch and I sit next to him, swinging my legs over his lap.

He squeezes my calves and squeezes my thighs.

I bite my lip and look down, worrying about Marilynn and her note.

"What?" I hear Sidney ask.

I look up, feeling the warm outlines of his hands on my thighs, and his brown eyes staring into my soul.

"Nothing."

He turned his head to the side.

"Are you still worried about that Brooks guy?"

"Kinda. Why wouldn't I be?" I say, holding my arms tightly, hugging myself.

"Oh. Don't be like that. I'm here, and he won't lay a hand on you on my watch."

I start to think about my family and my life and the meaning of life. I start to think about things I don't want to think about anymore, and catch myself feeling sad about things that no longer matter.

"What happens when your house isn't home anymore?" I ask, looking back up at Sid.

"Well, maybe home is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you're at your worst."

"But you haven't even seen my worst."

He is silent, I'm sure not knowing what to say.

"I'm not the same everyday. There are times when I'm loud and chatty, and there are times when I'm really quiet. I don't think I can define myself." I say, feeling awful. Am I being mean? Is he mad at me?

"Your mind will change, your body will change, your thoughts will change, even feelings. They could change for the better or for the worse. But no matter what, you need to keep your head up and believe...because if you don't believe, you won't succeed. You have the ability to believe and try and to stay positive as long as you're alive. And I know you can do this. Keep your head up and try your hardest for me..please."

"I've done awful things." I say. I don't exactly remember why I said it. It just came out. Guess I should tell him then.

"What do you mean?" He says.

"I was involved with drugs in high school. The last 3 months of my senior year. Pot, regular cigs, drinking..I was a mess. I became depressed earlier on in the year and that was my medicine. I had no grades. I skipped class. I slept around. I was hospitalized. I got in huge fights. I was an awful person, and I'm not sure that part of me is completely gone. When I start to think about the past and feel the pain, it just makes me want to light up. I can't stop it. Most would not want to be near me when they hear this..do you think any different of me Sidney?"

He stared at me with soft eyes.

"We're all addicted to something that takes the pain away. All of us. I don't care that you got into drugs for three months straight, or how much sleep you lost during that period. I don't care that you went home and fucked that person and woke up at 6am hating everything about yourself, or that you smoked so much you sounded as though your lungs were giving out. You're not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness. You're just human, and being human means you need to survive and you do so whichever way deem you fit. Fuck everyone else. Risk is not just a part of life. It is life. The place between your comfort zone and your dream is where life takes place. It's the high-anxiety zone, but it's also where you discover who you are. And you should never feel bad about the ways you tried to kill your pain."

I smiled at his comfort.

"When I was in the hospital for the first time, I was roomed with a schizophrenic, and she was the most gentle person I have ever met. There was a boy with a long deep slit across his neck who told very funny jokes. A girl who never spoke a word would draw the most beautiful picutres. The boy who shook with anxiety could hold the most intelligent conversations. Even the girl who screamed in her sleep and picked at her skin had a heart the size of the ocean. They are not who we think they are. If we saw souls instead of the grey vessels our colorful souls are trapped in, we would view people and beauty very differently."