Just Hold Me (Sidney Crosby) EDITING THEN CONTINUING

Chapter 34 - Washington Part 2

I hadn't really thought about their reaction all that much. I didn't even want to think about it, to be honest. Self harm was the thing I was trying to forget, and overcome with time. Not abruptly reveal myself to everyone I was most definitely scared of be judged.

They are celebrities. Professional sports players that always have a camera in their face. People who can change anyone's opinion about someone else. Especially if that person is pretending to be someone they're not.

Growing up is hard because all you want to do is find out who you are. And it's difficult when you have all these people telling you what you should be. It's hard to stay on your own path.

We live in a world that tells you to fly after clipping your wings, and pushing you from behind. It's just that some of us can't recover from the fall.

No one was talking, which made me nervous, my face getting cold and then hot again. Maybe I was sweating, but I'm not sure.

I felt up and down my arms, feeling every beginning and end of each scar that was decorating my skin.

Sidney grabbed my hand, and placed an arm around my shoulder, pushing me against his side.

"You're so brave," He whispered in my ear, his hot breath tickling me. "I'm so proud of you."

I look up as I heard shuffling from across the room. Evgeni is walking over to us, a sorry expression on his face.

"Hannah?" He asks me, his eyes looking down at me with worry.

I shake my head, smiling up at him, perhaps making my lip quiver less noticeable.

I look down at my feet as Sidney kisses the top of my head, continuing to rub my arm.

Evgeni sits down next to me, resting his hand on my thigh in a comforting way.

I look over at him, fighting back my tears, making my face hot.

He looked at me with soft eyes, his mouth closed calmly.

"When..did you..?" He asks quietly, the room still silent.

"It doesn't matter. That part of my life is over." I say, placing my hand on Evgeni's for a second, but then pulling away.

"Cannot explain how sorry I feel." Evgeni says, his face turning a light shade of pink.

"Don't be sorry. I'm happy." I say with a forced smile, tears stinging my eyes.

He leaned in close and looked me straight in the eyes.

"No, you're not." He whispered.

Was I seriously making it that obvious?

I'll admit it. I am pissed, and I am sad, and I am nervous, and I do feel like ripping my hair out for even thinking about ripping my own skin.

I do admit that.

I just thought I was over it. I thought it was done. I thought I had gotten better.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am. I swear I am.

I'm happy with Sidney. I happy to be with him. I happy because of him.

But I'll also admit I'm still not happy with myself.

I still don't like the fact that I don't have a thigh gap, or a flat stomach, or toned and skinny arms. I am upset about that.

I honestly...to be completely truthful....I have no fucking idea why anyone likes me.

I have no fucking idea why Sidney likes me. If he even does.

Is he lying to me? What if he's lying to me?

What if this is all just some big joke someone is trying to pull on me?

It has to be. This is too good to be true. It really is.

I don't know what to think.

Why does anyone like me? I'm a complete bitch.

I seriously am. Is that just what everyone likes?

A fat bitch that is amusing? Is that what I am?

That's what I am isn't it?

This is so embarrassing. Why am I even here?

Why am I even trying? I've done trying.

I've been patient, waiting for that "good thing" to come along. But I don't fucking see it.

Maybe that Washington player was right.

I am a cunt that never should have been born. I am just another one of Sidney's whores. One that he'll be done with as soon as I'm in too deep to let him go.

He was right, and I had no reason to cry, and make Sid worry. I'm going to make him so upset with me. Why can't I fucking do anything RIGHT--

"Hannah?" I hear a voice ask me, interrupting my thoughts.

I blink, coming back to reality. I look around, moving my eyes, seeing only Evgeni and Letang walking in the backround behind him.

"Ye--yes?" I ask, shaking my head and making a face, wondering why I wasn't paying attention.

Am I annoying him?

"We'll be there in a couple of hours, " Sidney says, turning me to face him. "You should just rest."

Looking down, I got up, not making eye contact as I made my way to the restroom, shutting the door behind me as I entered.

I'm not damaged. I'm not.

I can't be. It was a long time ago. And I have no reason to be unhappy. At all. I've finally got everything I've always wanted and-

"Hannah?" I hear, a knock at the door shortly after.

I whip around, surprised, getting a queezy feeling in my stomach.

"Y-yeah?" I ask.

"Can I come in?"

I don't answer as the door opens, since of course I forgot to lock it.

Sidney steps in and I avert my eyes.

"I'm okay." I say before he can say anything. "I really am."

He turns his head, his eyes catching light, making a slight glimmer.

I stared at that glimmer, inhaling the scent he brought with him.

"I really am." I repeat, unsure if he heard me. "I'm just freshening up a bit."

He still said nothing. Is he mad at me? Please don't be mad at me.

He nods, making a face, and turning around exiting the room, shutting the door behind him.

This time, I make sure to lock it as I collapse to my knees, not being able to control it any longer.

I just sat down and cried.

I cried like the needy bitch I was.

A/N: This may seem like a huge change in Hannah's behavior. Am I right or am I right? Yeah. Depression and Anxiety are very dangerous mental diseases that hit at anytime. Especially when someone is the happiest will they get knocked down with a wave with what they thought they were broken out of. I just wanted to point out this in case anyone was confused and was wondering why the fuck I was writing this way, but this is truly how it happens with people with these problems. They think they've broken free, and as soon as they're sure they're okay, something locks them back in the same cage they had been once before.

But anyway, thanks again for reading. I wasn't really expecting this story to go that far. I just wanted to write this for fun, and I really appreciate all the nice comments.

Thank you guys.

Hopefully updating again very soon! Love you!