Growing Close: Tododeku

Part 11: Epiphany

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Lying in Shouto's arms, I reached over to my bedside table and checked my phone for the time.

1:14 am.

We'd fallen asleep like that hours before, arms and legs entwined in one another's, too comfortable to move and too polite to ask the other if we should stop; So, we there we stayed. Asleep on one another as if I hadn't just tried to reject him.

I didn't want to reject him, and my heart ached because of that. I told Tsu tomorrow for a reason: I couldn't bear telling him no. And now, I was in a situation created by that inability. I may have told him no, but I didn't mean it, and I was sure that he knew it too. My resolve not to date him was weaker than how I felt without him. The longer I thought about it, the more desolate I became, even as I lied in his arms.

I rolled around in place beside him, uncomfortable lying with him any longer. I loved the feeling, but it felt wrong. I tricked him into thinking that I loved him before, and now, even after I rejected him, I couldn't manage to push him away. It was only going to make it worse when I actually did have to do it. Just the thought of it filled me with dread. Enough of it, in fact, that I was compelled to get up out of my bed. I hadn't eaten dinner, since Shouto and I fell asleep together before we ate as a class that day, so I just let my hunger lead me out of my room and to the kitchen, slowly as not to disturb my current roommate.

I crept down the stairs, taking two or three steps at a time just to wake myself up with the adrenaline of it until I was finally at the first floor.

I tip-toed through the common area and into the kitchen, looking through the fridge for some sort of satisfactory leftovers. I found some sort of caramel-chocolate gelato in a small, plastic cup, and though it was a desert, I dug in. I had barely been keeping up my exercise and appetite, so at that moment, there was no way I was going to be able to keep it up. I was half asleep at 1 am scavenging for food, so that cheat day was more than acceptable.

I grabbed a spoon and settled into one of the couches, propping my feet up on the coffee table I sighed and made a discomforted face, groaning woefully. I was glad to be alone.

"What are you doing up?" I jumped at the sound of Kirishima's voice.

"I-I, uh, well, I'm just hungry," I said, not really knowing what I was doing. I was hungry, but I really didn't want to stay with Shouto. I was still wrought by guilt. I took a big bite of my gelato, taking out almost a third of it.

"Me too, man," Kirishima said, slouching into the couch beside me, "me too."  I sighed; this was not going to be a short conversation.

"What's keeping you up?" I asked before taking out another third of the small desert, my curiosity getting the best of me.

"Ah, well," Kirishima began nervously, "Bakugou wakes me up sometimes. Actually, a lot. Don't let him hear that though."

I laughed lightly, still not quite engaged in the conversation. "Yeah, I won't say a word."

"So, why are you up?" Kirishima inquired.

"Like I said earlier, I'm hungry," I said as I finished it off, a nervous laugh joining my response.

"That's not why you're here though, right?" Kirishima asked shyly. He held a wary smile and looked at me knowingly, and it made me think I had nowhere to run from him. But not in a threatening way. It was as if I were cornered by my mother: I feel I need to live up to her expectations and make her proud, but I'm also obligated to keep her from worry. Kirishima always had that mom-vibe about him.

"Yeah," I answered meanly (look up the definition, it probably doesn't mean what you think it does [pun intended]).

"Is it Todoroki?" He asked. I was taken aback.

"What? No, it's... yeah. It's Todoroki." I tried to get out of it as I panicked at his name, but I gave up. There was no way I could ever fib my way out of that. I can't fib my way out of anything.

"So what's up with that? I thought you two were going good," Kirishima asked, concern dotting his tonr.

"I mean, we were, but to be honest, I didn't know we were going until yesterday night, and I kind of freaked out, b-but that's not even the tip of the iceberg," I said with an exhausted sigh, beginning to relay the events. I knew I could trust him, so once I started talking, it all just rolled off my tongue so easily, like a snowball building and building and building until it became such a hefty weight of knowledge neither of us knew what to do with it. I just kept babbling on and on until I got to last night's events and my feeble attempt at a rejection.

Kirishima was speechless by the end of it. "I... wow, y-you two really... man, you guys have been busy." He laughed, a tinge of nervousness showing in his speech.

"So, what should I do?" I asked meekly.

He inhaled deeply, then sighed, taking a long moment to think. He looked through the window and up into the perfectly black night with a content, contemplative look about him. "I think he really likes you, Midoriya, and you'd have to be stupid to let him pass you by. If you like him just as much, then use that to make it up to him, but I don't think he'll even want you to. Man up and take his love, ya know?" He turned his head just slightly to match my eyes, a glimmer of empathy swirling around his irises. "Don't be scared to be with him because of past mistakes."

I sat up a bit straighter, eyes a bit wider, as an epiphany washed over me, because he was right about all of it. Tsu was right. Shouto told me too, and I didn't see it. I even said it myself.

I love him. He loves me. In the end, the mistakes we made won't have mattered much. We can set it right. I can set it right. I have to if I want to be with him. 

"Thank you. That's exactly what I needed," I told him with an excited smile. He turned to face me with his entire body, smiling back with his usual sharp-toothed grin. I jumped up to him, hugging him tightly. He hugged back, our mutual respect for each other becoming very clear to the both of us. I smiled into his shoulder before we parted, a hand of his lingering on my shoulder, similar to that of a parent.

"I'm glad. Go get him back," he said encouragingly, and I nodded deeply and smiled brightly in response. I got up to take care of my early-morning snack, declaring that that must've been his last words for the night, but I stopped before walking off and faced him once again.

"How much longer are you going to stay up?" I asked him curtly.

"Not much longer. Don't worry about me, man. Go see your man," he joked, trying to sedate my concern. For the most part, it worked, but I figured I'd check up on him the next day.

"Alright. Goodnight, Kirishima," I said before walking off to the stairs. I saw him waving at me from over my shoulder, and I waved back, content with that night's conclusion.

I stalked up the stairs and to my room at the fastest pace I could muster in my increasingly-tired state, which was much less energetic than I anticipate myself to be in. I entered my room and climbed into bed next to Shouto silently, fitting comfortably into the curve of his chest. I felt his breathing against my own, and it made me feel so lucky. His face was so calm, fresh and innocent, and it made my heart swell. I tossed around as carefully as I could, settling back into the space carved out for me, and his arm slowly slinked around my waist. Right then, I vowed to myself that in the morning, I would make sure that we could always have those little moments.