West of Words (Alec Lightwood)

🗝 Chapter Twenty-One 🗝

"Jace!" It was Alec's voice that first broke Varian out of his trance, and he wished more than anything that the Shadowhunter was calling for him.

Varian rolled onto his stomach, relaxing into the solid marble of the Institute as he felt his magic seep back into him. He wasn't as drained as he thought he would be, just tired and leaning more towards scared than anything else. It has been a long time since he's lost control of his magic in such a way.

The control he had over his magic was directly linked to his emotions, and Varian avoided any situation that made him angry or desperate.

"Birdie!" His baba's  voice broke his thoughts, Varian looked up, slowly pushing himself onto his knees and looking at his baba  with a sad smile.

"Hi baba." Varian accepted his baba's  help up, shitting his eyes in a way of gaining some of his balance back. "I lost control."

His baba  hushed him, pressing a hand to the side of his face before pulling him into a firm hug. "I know Birdie, I know."

It was a hug for comfort, and Alec felt off to interrupt.

"Varian." His voice was soft, and as Varian stepped out of his baba's  embrace he pressed the palm's of his hands into his eyes. He took a deep breath, his shoulders visibly lifting before falling. He turned, and looked Alec in the eyes.

Varian tried to ignore the blush-pink and raspberry red of love and worry that floated around Alec. He smiled up at him, happy for a moment that Alec wasn't upset with him anymore about his harsh words earlier in the day.

"Jace said you had the cup."

And the smile was gone from his face, he bit back the response of 'typical Shadowhunter' that he wanted to give, before responding.

"I took it from Valentine and sent it away." Varian muttered, he lifted his hands before bringing it down rapidly. It was the same motion he used to draw his calling card into his hand. This time however, the Mortal Cup sat in all its glory on the palm of his hand.

Alec reached for it, but Varian stepped back, pulling the cup to his chest and looking at him in a worried way.

"I trust you." Varian's words were soft, "I trust you and no one else."

Alec's face softened as he smiled and nodded. His hand dropped, resting just over his heart as he spoke again. "I'll protect it, you have my word Varian."

The way that Alec said Varian's name made him want to melt, but he nodded instead. When Varian passed the cup over to Alec their hands brushed ever so lightly and a surge of emotions that passed through the contact made Varian flinch.

Fear, affection, worry, relief.

He snatched his hand away, tucking both hands into his pockets to keep himself from reaching to touch the Shadowhunter again. Alec's touch was a drug, and Varian was addicted.

Varian glanced over his shoulders, his eyes trailing to the still unconscious form of Jocelyn Fairchild. The woman had abandoned him, and though Varian had found a better family in his baba, he still felt a pang of sadness at the sight of her.

"You'll keep her safe?" Varian spoke before thinking about it.

"Jocelyn?" Alec's voice came quickly after, and though there was a question in his tone he didn't ask why. "Of course, and we will try everything to wake her up."

Varian just hummed, not wanting to say anything else out of worry that he would overshare. There was two more things that Varian felt the need to do before leaving the Institute. He looked up at Alec, their eyes meeting briefly before Varian turned away.

"Good luck with the wedding." Varian meant it honestly, but that didn't mean he could bring himself to be excited about the situation.

"Oh, thank you." Alec was obviously caught of guard, but Varian ignored it as best he could, before Varian walking away.

"Jace." Varian's voice was firm to catch Jace's attention, but when he turned their was a soft smile on his face. "He's not your father."

Jace visibly paled, before a look of confusion filled his face, "But he said-"

"Bloody hell, forget his words." Varian interrupted with a firm shake of his head. "He's not your father. You are not a Morgenstern."

Jace relaxed, sighing before asking how Varian was so sure.

Varian answered with a cryptic smile, and a wiggle of his hands, hoping that would satisfy Jace's questions. Jace took the response and smiled, looking around the room with a tinge of pink around him.

"Go on then." Varian nudged Jace's shoulder, and watched the boy stumble out of the room to begin a much needed conversation with Clarissa. Varian smiled, happy for the two of them in the midst of the disappointment surrounding him and Alec.

His magic was just barely back in his control, and despite the fact that he was still worried about using the magic he pushed it back and stepped towards the still floating form of Jocelyn Fairchild.

She had a cocoon of magic surrounding her, powerful and strong, but strangely familiar. Luke stood beside her, a hand resting on Jocelyn's and a sad look in his eyes. Luke looked up as Varian approached, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall at the site of Jocelyn pale and sickly.

"Ah, Varian." Luke wiped his hand across his eyes, sniffling as he tried to look like he wasn't bothered.

"I just wanted to take a look at the magic." Varian stumbled over his words, unsure of what he even meant by them. Luke nods almost aggressively as he takes his hand from Jocelyn's and takes a few steps back.

Varian catches the sound of a door closing, making the realization that he was alone with Jocelyn Fairchild and Luke, before setting his hands in the air above Jocelyn. They came to rest in the same spots as when he healed Luke two weeks ago, one above the heart and one above the stomach.

Magic leaves his hands, dark tendrils of emerald green that he hoped would fix whatever was keeping Jocelyn in his suspended state. It didn't help, it barely even touched the enchantment, and to avoid draining himself anymore than he already was, Varian closed his hands into fists. The magic stopped and Varian sighed in an almost disappointed way.

The only reason Varian even wanted to wake up Jocelyn was to end this ridiculous war between the Downworld, the Shadowhunters and Valentine Morgenstern. He had no interest in her being his mother, he had a family already.

"You look like her." Luke's voice was soft as he spoke, and Varian looked up quickly, feeling himself pale as he tried to deny what was being said. "I remember you, though you were just a baby when we first met, and your hair was different."

Luke smiled, looking proud of the little joke about his blue hair that he had made, before walking around Jocelyn's floating body to rest in front of Varian. He was smiling softly, as if reminiscing on a time that was happier.

"You've got her nose-" Luke started, speaking as though he wanted to convince Varian  of the truth.

Varian interrupted, his voice snappy and short. "I want nothing to do with her. I don't care if I have his nose, or her hair, or Clarissa's smile." Varian stepped back, trying to stop himself from getting angry but failing.

"I am Varian Bane, and I do not want the mother who abandoned me." It made him sad to say it, but it was the truth, Varian hated to lie. "I am my own person and not a combination of Jocelyn's features or Clarissa's best traits."

Varian paused, shaking his head as he suddenly appeared drained. His shoulders slumped, and he felt every negative emotion from the day slam into his mind. The heartbreak of having to wish the man that he had started to fall for the best luck on his wedding, loosing control of his magic, and even having to admit to himself that he was the son of someone other than his baba.

"Do not make me less than I am."