The air felt stifled and clammy as he walked through his house. It wasn't the first time he'd been in this situation. The familiar atmosphere of hesitance and longing to stay put was there, coiling around him like a tamed beast. Life on the road was tough, being away from loved ones so long and so often. He'd come to accept it as the way life would always be. Home was important. Australia was his birthplace, his hometown was there, his family were there. But he'd also come to find a home in his three best friends and their lives with their music. You didn't so readily give up on the dreams you'd built into reality. And so you faced the hardships, you stood up to the sick, overwhelming consistent ache for home and for the people because you knew that you were getting a shot at what you loved. You were being given a shot to live your own life. It had been a rollarcoaster of years, ever since they'd really kicked off in 2014, he'd barely had a minute to stand back and appreciate everything. To look at his own life with the perspective of an outsider. He wasn't knocking down everything they'd built up. He was proud of it and always would be. But years had passed and life was after moving on. Yes, he still had the guys, and their schedule was pretty tightly packed at all times, but each of them also had newer, more close to home responsibilities that tugged at their conscience day and night.
Luke climbed the stairs slowly, the moment he'd been trying to avoid all week was here and prolonging it, even by a few minutes was the only thing he could do to make it last. To try and stem the already pricking needle that was worming it's way into his heart. The stairs creaked and groaned a little as he made his way up them, a reminder of the countless times he'd tried to sneak up them, in an effort not to wake any sleeping inhabitants. Or the times he'd climbed up these very same steps hastily, rushing home after a stretch on the road. All different memories, all the same coinciding feelings that were now pressing down on him again. He ran a guitar calloused hand against the back of his neck, trying to breathe even. Chewing on the inside of his lip as he reached the peak of the stairs and entered onto the landing. There at the other end stood the door to his destination. He paused, blue eyes staring at the door in question with a concerned expression. Behind his timed out expression was a world of emotions. Luke had always been a caring person, someone who cared more than he probably ever wanted to admit but now it was different. Now he was allowed to be concerned over the smallest things. Now he was responsible in ways he could only have ever imagined. Behind that door was his life now. The only reason he did what he did.
A broad hand pushed open the door softly and he peered inside at the contents. Eyes scanning over various memorabilia belonging to the room's owner. The dusky painted walls with their laminated stickers and framed photographs of infamous cartoon characters. The constant smell that reminded him of home and made him feel safe and happy inside. It was like he'd taken a step into a foreign place. But this was his safe haven right here. This was where he'd spent nights just sat in the armchair that occupied the little window alcove, just him and his notebook and a sound sleeping human who was oblivious to the thoughts and words pouring from his mind as he wrote his world into the pages. Sighing he closed the door behind him and crossed the little room to where a crib was set up. With a shaky resolve he tore his eyes from the decor of the room to the small, delicate figure of it's inhabitant.
Staring down at his daughter, Luke's heart constricted. She was staring right back at him with a pair of eyes so blue he could have drowned in them. Everyone always commented on how she had his eyes, that it was like looking into his mirror. Luke himself liked to think that her eyes were always meant to be that way. That his own were like the duller, less valuable model of a gemstone. Nothing in comparison to her light. Little eyelashes blinked against her cheek as she looked up at him from her crib, and he felt his throat stick. Ever since she'd been born, even earlier than that, when he'd found out he was going to be the father to a little girl, Luke had always known his actions and decisions would always be second-place. Nothing and no one was more important to him than this miniature human right there. He would put her needs and her happiness and well being before his own or anyone else's. It had only been a few months since she'd arrived into his life and here he was having to say goodbye to her, to up and leave her side for longer than he cared to. It broke him to think about the things he would miss. Others might find them insignificant but to Luke, missing out on all these days and moments with here, only meant he was further from her more and more. And he couldn't quite stomach that. Swallowing his fears and doubts he smiled down at her, reaching out and using his hand to gently tickle her stomach causing the little cherub to burst into a fit of giggles as befitted a couple of months old baby. The sound filled his eardrums and lifted his spirits even if only momentarily. Little pink lips curved into a toothless grin and Luke was so captivated by her.
Reaching in her picked her up as if she was a little porcelain doll, being so careful as not to hurt or break her. The little head bobbed precariously as he brought her to his shoulder, holding her tight as was allowed and crossing to the armchair he'd spent countless nights and days in. Sitting down he let the precious bundle of human lie on his chest, feeling the butterflies tear at his insides as she held her little head up to look at him. It amazed him to know end how fascinated by him she was. It wasn't a minor thing, this little girl was constantly smiling at him and looking at him, she was like a little puppy that got too attached and it melted his heart right through. She couldn't utter a word, just gurgles and attempts at sounds but every one of them was important to him and he loved each one. Yet she knew who he was. She knew the difference between him and a stranger and that would never be something he could fully wrap his head around. A deep sounding chuckle escaped him as he was suddenly head-butted by the little monster. She didn't seem to have hurt herself, instead those oceanic blue eyes came into view as she stared at her dad who had just made a very loud sound. The curious gaze she was instilling on him was enough to make anyone weak. He smiled down at her as she laid there breathing lightly and her little fingers splaying open and closed into miniscule fists, Reaching up with one of his fingers he let her grab a hold of his finger and watched as the fingers that were only about twice the size of his nail, latched on as if for dear life. Of course the first place it went was her mouth, drool galore going all over it as she toothlessly chewed on it, the happiest look on her doll like features.
The minutes passed by and before he knew it, Luke sighed, knowing it was time to do the one thing he'd been dreading. He had to say goodbye to his little human. The complete love of his life he now had to leave, for how long he wasn't even sure of. Tour awaited and with all the travelling and timezones, he wasn't sure when he'd get the chance to come home to her beautiful face again. Picking her up, he held her close as he sang one of the songs he'd written for her softly pacing the room, kissing the top of her head continuously, breathing in her smell and everything about her
As he finally let go and went to lay her back down in the crib, she suddenly started letting out little sobs. Momentarily struck by confusion and alarm Luke felt the needle push it's way wholly into his heart. She was crying. She was crying and it was like she knew what was happening. She knew he was about to leave and Luke could barely find it in himself to stay calm. The lump in his throat was as big as a rock. Her heartwrenching little lungs were calling out for him to pick her back up, to tell her it was alright, daddy was here and he wasn't going anywhere but they both knew that wasn't the case. Warm tears ran down her cheeks and her little face had turned a warm shade of red as she cried. It tugged at any little resolve Luke had left. His own eyes welled up and despite his best efforts to stay strong for her, one escaped and slid down his own cheek. "It's alright baby, it'll be alright. Daddy's gotta- d-daddy's gotta go back on tour ok, but he'll be back. I'll be back sweetheart. I swear it." The little girl's tears didn't subside and he knew she couldn't understand what he was saying. He wanted to make it right, he wanted to stay with her. Reaching into the crib he held onto her hand with his and to his slight relief the little tears subsided and she took to a pouting face instead as she started gurgling again in that foreign baby language. What he wouldn't give to know what she was thinking right then. Wiping at his face with his free hand he cursed himself. 'Get it together man, you need to do right by her' . Knowing he was right didn't make it any less difficult. A buzzing in his pocket told him the car was outside. It was time for him to leave. Swallowing the sobs that were threatening to tear though himself he leant down into the cot and kissed her forehead gently. Lingering there as he drank in everything about her at this moment. "I'll see you very soon, I promise" he spoke against her skin, an oath he was making to her and himself. Standing up straight once more he took a deep breath before turning on his heel and crossing to the door. Looking over his shoulder one last time his heart broke as he saw her little tear stained eyes watching him through the bars as he was exiting. Biting his lip he spoke one last time before leaving the room.
"Daddy loves you baby girl. I love you. I'll be home soon."
