Recklessly (Lumity)

Chapter Thirty-One ENDING

Luz's P.O.V

I sat down across from Eden, her eyes narrowed down at me. She seemed to know exactly what I was feeling. Her hands folded on her lap, I lick my lips as I prepare myself for the amount of ranting I was going to do. It wasn't the day for our therapy session, heck I was four days early, but I desperately needed her right now.

"Luz, what's wrong, tell me from the beginning. Take a deep breath and just tell me everything that's on your mind." I did as she said, taking a deep breath and calming my mind. She waited for me as I made my nervous self not so anxious. This was probably one of the hardest things I've had to talk about.

"Me and Amity may not stay together, because I messed up." I told her all the things, from the very beginning. How she kissed me in the rain one day and my feelings got complicated. To last night when I let my stupid thoughts be said out loud.

Tears streamed down my face, making me realize just how hurt I was. I didn't want for us to end but this constant fighting was driving me crazy, and I don't know how much I could handle. I loved her, a lot, but our relationship wasn't completely healthy. So what was the right thing to do?

I probably spent ten minutes alone telling the story and ripping myself apart. It was my fault after all that we're in this mess. If I had kept my mouth shut about how she looked at Boscha, she wouldn't have walked out on me. We would be hanging out and being stupid dorks together. Instead I'm here, in Eden's office, ranting about a stupid fight that happened.

"I'm lost and confused. I don't know whether to stay with her or cut ties. How much fighting would we do and how much of it could I handle? That's what I'm mostly afraid of." I choked on a sob as I gripped my knees, feeling exhausted.

"Luz, this isn't easy, you know that. Tell me why is this killing you so much, that she walked out on you?" She knew the answer already but I had to say it. I had to admit the truth. So I looked up at her with tear-filled eyes and let the words tumble out of my mouth.

"Because I still love her so much and I always will." It killed me to say that, my chest feeling as if someone was crushing it. I wanted to say that I was over her, that I could easily just break up with Amity, but that would be a lie.

"So why would you want to break up with her?" More tears streamed from my eyes. Cursing under my breath, I quickly wiped the tears away just wishing they would stop coming. I hated how bad this hurt; how badly this was killing me.

"We fight a lot, and I don't think I'd be able to handle it." Eden nodded her head, understanding what I was saying, and set her cup of coffee down. Her hands folded again and I felt so scared of how this conversation was going to end.

"Fighting is healthy Luz, and it seems like you two will have to go through a lot to grow into a good relationship. The question you need to ask yourself is if this relationship is worth that." I wanted someone to tell me the answer, make it easier for me. The room went deathly silent and my sobs were the only things heard.

"Is it?" I asked, looking up at her through my tears. The room got quiet again as the feeling in my chest grew more violent. There was a weight crushing down on me, making me want to scream and cry in frustration.

"I can't give you the answer, I'm sorry but only you can." I knew she wanted to just give me the answer and send me to Amity but she couldn't. She was right, like always, I needed to figure out the answer myself.

The rest of the therapy session was full of me crying and desperately wanting answers to everything. At the end of it all, she gave me a hug as I cried into her shoulder. There were times like these that I wish I could just hold onto forever and never let go. If I could just figure out the answer. Was it worth it? Was this fighting between me and Amity worth the wonderful relationship in the end? My answer as of right now is no, but why did it hurt so bad to say no?